May 31, 2016
Learning to F.L.Y.
(First Love Myself)
Living by Proverbs 3:5-6
I have been away from
this Blog for a while. I got busy with a life event and ignored things I knew I
was supposed to be doing. I found myself just wanting to paint. To paint
another Mantra Canvas, to paint another angel. I could NEVER find the time.
This went on for about 6 weeks I was busy no doubt, but to not find any time
for me to paint........that was just silly. I knew there was time, or would be
- I had to set better boundaries. Things came to a head in our home and trauma
and drama was the result. (Push back happens when boundaries are being put in
place). I needed some quiet time, so I took my journal, a journal excise I have
done before and I began to write what was in my heart. As I was writing, I was
thinking; "hurry and finish this and maybe there will be time to
paint." Just as I finished thinking that the Holy spirit reminded
me: Pray, Swim, Blog, and then paint." Immediately I was
snapped back into reality. I realize now that to some degree if I had kept up with
what I was "supposed to be doing," maybe, possibly, just maybe the
trauma in our home might have turned out different. Maybe not......... At any
rate, as soon as I finished my journal I went straight to my knees. I spent
about an hour talking to my Heavenly Father about what had transpired in my
home and I begged for His Holy Spirit to Invade my home so no harm would come
to anyone who would enter, and to cause those who would do harm to be so
uncomfortable they would want to leave. After my prayers and conversation with
God, I left and went swimming - for an hour. Ohhhhh how the water, and the
strokes of swimming, and feeling my body move through the water, soothes my
soul. Exactly what I needed! Honestly
time did not permit me to finish my line-up (blog), until right now. I went to work
today, with my swim bag packed to go right after work. I left early - so that
was wonderful. I got home early enough and looked at the canvas I had started a
few days ago, and remembered, Pray, Swim, Blog, and then you can paint. So here
I am, finally getting back to what I have been asked to do. I still do not know
why, and that is OK. Fruits of my labors will be harvested when and He knows
when to call them in. I thought a lot about what my life's journey is about in
the right here and now ---- maybe it’s time for me to blog my present
life and experiences. There are so many wonderful blessings....... But
as I sit here and try and explain why I have been gone, and not obedient, my
Angela Shelton workbook calls to me and I know that I have to continue with it.
So, with all of that said--------
Here is Week 8 of Angela
Shelton's Be Your Own Hero, Healing Workbook. April 9, 2015
Discussion:
How Can Someone else's
pain affect you?
- By their negative feelings that I claim.
- By the way they treat me, the way I allow them to treat
me……
You can (you
probably have or will), get into relationships with other people who are
wounded.
Have you ever been in a
relationship with someone who was wounded? What was it like?
All
of my relationships have been with someone who is wounded. I may not remember
being abused, but I remember things and have flash backs and dreams that lead
me to believe I was abused. I was asked to leave the classroom for rubbing
myself during class - I was in the first grade. From a very young age I allowed
boys to touch me, hoping they would like me. This led to all sorts of bad,
abusive and dysfunctional "short" sexual base relationships. This
cycle led to loss of self-esteem and self-worth and the deep seeded self-hatred
I had. For years I believed this behavior was a rebellious nature and I was
just bad. I always wanted to say no, I just didn't, hoping "this
time" would be real love, even though I did not know the difference
between sex and real love. Luckily I was never with anyone who was violent.
Carl
was in pain as well from his childhood and the early death of his father. My
dream in D2 was all about the healing that Carl and I would find together and
then pass it down to our children and they pass it down to their children and
it would continue for generations. It was about breaking the generational
curses that plagued our families and leave our family tree with generational
blessings instead. I had no idea at the time of that dream how much
healing he and I both would have to go through. Together and separate. That has
been an amazing journey and now we have to learn how to pass it down to our
already adult children.
Healing Worksheet:
I have had to deal with
others' pain by:
- Learning to hide who I am.
- Trying to please other's and ignoring myself.
- Try and be perfect to everyone else and behind closed
doors living a lie, smoking, doing pot, shoplifting. As long as I appeared
to be good, that was what mattered.
- Trying to always fix everyone, clean up their messes.
- Maybe if I keep the house clean dad won't beat someone.
- Raising my kids I did the same thing - I tried to make
them look and be perfect.
Someone else's pain has
affected me by:
- Even though I do not remember being sexually abused -
the pain my grandfather lived with, I know he must have been abused
too, having done that to his daughter(s) and grand-daughter(s) was passed
on to me by waking me up sexually as a baby, a toddler, a very young
child. Stimulating myself felt good as far back as I can remember. These
are some of my nightmares.
- My dad's violent anger and abuse affected me by doing
all I could to be perfect around him and my family and around my friends,
yet being very destructive with myself. I learned to hide my emotions by people
pleasing, and destructive angry behavior. (Get them before they get me). I
hated the things I did and said to myself and I could never figure out why
I did them,
- Becoming someone I was not
- My husband's anger was rarely directed at me, but it
often felt like it was and it affected me by pushing him away and hiding
behind being busy and doing things for everyone else. Becoming the
"Church Lady." And by running away emotionally instead of facing
it.
- I ignored my own pain by pushing it on my children,
then I ignored/abandoned myself.
- In my childhood I dealt with my dad's violence and my
mom's indifference by keeping myself distant and trying to be perfect. I
rarely invited friends over and I stayed away as long as I could get by
with. I remember playing kick the can outside at night with all of the
neighbor kids, I often was the last kid still outside. One night I stayed
out so late, when I finally came in, the house was dark and everyone was
in bed. I was woken up the next morning with a belt. I have no idea where
I lived or how old I was.
