Steps to becoming a Warrior

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

July 11, 2016

The following is my Angela Shelton workbook from week 19, July 2, 2015

Discussion:  What are the biggest fears about removing the sword? 

What would life be like if you left your sword in? 

     My feeling is that if I leave my sword in I will never heal, completely and I will continue that generational curse instead of breaking it. I feel as if that is what my parents have passed to on me. Hold it all in, stuff it down, we have the gospel and that is all we need to heal. I don’t want to pass that to my own children, I want to break it – that is what I have seen in my dream. The healing that has taken place in my life, Carl’s life and between us has been passed down to our children, and they passed it down to their children and it goes on for generations. That is a generational blessing I want to leave my family.  I have to heal for myself and have closure with my family and friends in the areas of my life that have been betrayed and hurt. I so often feel this is a big reason my family does not want me around. I want to heal, I want to figure things out and I make them uncomfortable when I talk about this. I know my parents and my family love me, and I needed to learn to love them, where they were at, without expectations of wanting more. More understanding, more healing. My parents could never validate my feelings and experiences – this led to more hurt, pain and misunderstanding of one another.  I learned to hide behind false appearances, so no one finds out the real truth. They had to be OK with keeping me out their lives because having me in their life jeopardized the truth getting out.  If I want a relationship with my family I have to keep my sword in. If I want to be whole I will have to remove my sword and be OK with either a superficial relationship with my family – or none at all. 

What are the biggest fears about removing the sword? 

·         Not being able to do it – completely

·         That it will remain the same –

·         That there isn’t a sword – this is really who I am

·         I will have to face the damage that has been done

·         Digging deep enough to understand my behaviors and what drives them

·         Thinking about how the betrayal of our best friends has really affected me

·         No closure or truth at church

·         No closure finding my daughter

·         Lies and gossip at Discovery that have hurt me

·         What it would look like or feel like to not care what other’s think

·         Learning how to let go

·         Connecting with my younger self

·         Stop trying to fix everything

·         Trying to make people understand my perspective

·         Being still and listening to my life

Healing Worksheet

My sword gives me comfort because:

·        It’s a part of me

·         I was raised with it and as a child it helped to protect me

·         It is hard to change, and change requires me to look at myself and my own accountability as an adult to what happened to me as a child

·         With the sword I can live in denial and not work on myself

·         I don’t have to face that my parents did not know how to love me.

·         It has enabled me to protect myself

·         I don’t have to remember if I don’t want to

I am familiar with:

·         Being accepting of an appearance based-superficial, fake relationship with my family

·         I am familiar with knowing if I want a relationship with them that is all I will get

·         It is my choice to be fake or not

·         Being afraid of confrontation

·         Being afraid of being honest with my emotions

·         Stuffing my emotions down

·         Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away

·         Rejection

·         Betrayal

·         Having my identity stolen with lies and gossip

·         Fear

If I was a warrior then I would have to:

·         Change – change the self-defeating games I play

·         Change my self-defeating doubts and thoughts about myself

·         Stop worrying about the way I look and focus on the way I act and feel

·         Be kind to myself – focus on healthy eating, exercise and talking myself out sitting round doing nothing.

·         Focus my attention on doing all of the fun, lovely and challenging things I would like to do.

·         Stand up and fight to teach more Stewards of Children Classes

·         Learn how to build our business and work on it daily

·         Fight through laziness and procrastination

·         Wear my JOY everyday – being an example of healing and Joy to everyone

·         TAKE OUT MY SWORD AND USE IT FOR GOOD!!!!!

Plans B, C, D, E and so on emerge because I am running from pain and fear.

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

July 8, 2016

The following is my Angela Shelton workbook week 18, June 25, 2015

Discussion: The thought of touching your sword can scare you and leave you frozen in fear and not knowing where to begin.

What if the unknown was super fun and joyous? If I could know that the unknown was super fun and Joyous a) it would not be unknown and b) I would always take a chance. The reality is I don’t know if it will be joyous or not. But I can have Hope that even if choosing the unknown is, will be or can be hard, the end results will be super fun and joyous. Examples that prove this to me are; This Workbook, The 30-Day Wear Your Joy Project I participated in – the painting class I took, Discovery, Retreats, even buying new make-up products as of late have been super fun and joyous to me. (now I need to push through this fear and go shopping with Meredith). How could that not be super fun and joyous. 

What would your life look like if you had no fear? What would you be doing?

     Today, if I had no fear I would spend time doing exactly what I love doing and I would figure out how to live my dream. I would spend less time veg’ing and thinking about all of the things I could be / should be doing and DO THEM!  I would buy a piano and learn how to play again – I would go shopping with Meredith and have her help me find my style. I would read and learn how to start my own business and embark on that adventure. I would go for a swim every day. I would figure out how to work less and play more or turn my play into work. I would dance more, enjoy myself, be happy with myself. I would, if I could, if I had no fear ------ - Man what a thought! 

Healing Worksheet

If I had no fear I would:

·        Work less – paint more

·        Start a business – A Room With A Voice

·        Lose Weight – exercise

·        Love myself, be happy with myself, no matter what

·        Confront betrayal

·        Be more active in church (vulnerable)

If money was no object I would:

·        Start a business

·        Buy a piano

·        Quit my job so I could work at my business, create, speak, paint, teach, heal

·        Visit more with my friends

·        Travel to visit my friends and family

·        Buy a place to hold retreats

·        Plan and hold other retreats that are in my heart

·        Help more women get to our retreat

·        Help more people get to Discovery

·        Open up another girls home and do it right with parents and children in the home together to teach parents how to parent, without the separation trauma.

·        There are so many things I would love to do, if money was no object.

Letting go of pain makes me nervous because:

·        Because I will need something to fill up the time and space that the pain took. 

·        I am afraid of what that would be.

·        I have lived a lot of my adult life, “going through the motions,” and although a lot of that was really good, had I paid better attention, focused on my heart and hearing what it had to say I believe I would have done a few things different.

·        I didn’t fully realize my pain or how much of it was affecting me and my decisions and relationships.

·        The fear of not succeeding or being good enough has kept me from a lot of dreams, which is completely silly because of some amazing things that I have accomplished even while I was ignoring or stuffing my pain and fear.

·        I lost 100lbs, working hard, eating healthy and exercising. I kept it off for 15 years because I put myself in the fitness industry. I was a very popular aerobics instructor/personal trainer in the Dallas area. I went to workshops, hosted and led workshops and training. I owned my own studio, all while running from my pain and fear of facing it and also raising my kids. I got hurt and slowly starting gaining the weight back when I could no longer exercise. Then I started figuring out the emotional mess I was in. I don’t believe I would have gained all this weight back had I healed my heart earlier.

Until next time……

Hugs and Blessings!

Kim Mayer

Negative tapes wreak havoc…….

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

July 3, 2016

The following is my Angela Shelton workbook week 17, June 18, 2015

Discussion:  You may hear all of your negative thought patterns telling you that you are stupid, worthless, ugly or nothing.

What negative things do you think others are saying to themselves.

     You’re Fat, You’re Lazy, No Self Control, Not very smart, Talks too much, Too Loud, You’re ugly, worthless and not worth talking to. 

What are the negative things you say to yourself inside your head? 

·        I am not good enough

·        Someone can do better

·        I am not as smart, Discerning or inspirational as others

·        I am not a good speaker

·        I care what other’s will think and I think they think I’m stupid and can’t do things very good.

·        I’m too old, I can’t do things like I used to

·        I worry that I am not doing the right thing and I question myself and wonder if what I am doing is right or good enough

·        I am insecure and people over look me, or don’t choose me because I am not good enough

·        I am the last one to be picked for a team, an after thought

·        I am too harsh and too judgmental

·        My responses are wrong or not good enough.

·        My emotions are wrong, my opinions are wrong

·        You’re fat, you’re ugly, you are unlovable

·        You are too needy

·        No one likes you

Healing Worksheet

Every single negative thing I have ever said to myself:

·        I am stupid, ugly and fat.

·        I am worthless and I will never be enough

·        I am too loud, attention seeking and I talk too much

·        I try too hard

·        I am not very smart

·        Who do I think I am doing a retreat, I will fail

·        Maybe if I just lose weight people will notice me, or think I am pretty or smart

·        How could any love me as big as I am

·        I am not just not good enough, I am a loser, a pig, crazy, clumsy, replaceable, worthless, unworthy, disgusting, insignificant, I don’t deserve love, no one cares what I have to say

·        I can’t be forgiven

·       I’m mean, judgmental, vindictive, a whore, slut, I will never amount to anything, shut down, dishonest.

·        I am not lovable

I need to let go of…..

·        All of the negative feelings and things I say to myself

·        All of the lies I tell myself, my untrue stories

·        Caring what others think about me

·        Caring about the way some people treat me

·        Self-doubt

·        Insecurity

·        Feeling sorry for myself and wanting others to feel sorry for me

·        Everything I say about myself listed above

I am holding on to…….

·        Self-doubt

·        Self-pity

·        Self-hatred

·        Caring what others think of me

·        HOPE – that I will change the negative tapes into positive truths 

I am afraid to face…….

·        How the betrayal of our best friends has really affected me and the complete absence of them in our lives

·        The betrayal, lies and gossip of leadership at church and at Discovery

·        How my parents and my relationship (or lack of) with them has affected me