I'm Back - I am planning to stay......

 September 4, 2021 - Salt Lake City, Utah - Life has really changed.  

In January of 2001 I woke up and asked - who am I really? What is my mission in life? What am I made of - will I stand for what I believe?  That was the beginning of my "mid-life unraveling." I was 43 years old- and I honestly did not know the answers to these questions. I knew who I was "expected" to be, I knew that others would most likely be shocked that I did not know the answers to these questions. I had a way of life I lived and believed in, I had a husband to adored me, cherished me, and protected my heart, sometimes from myself. I had 4 amazing humans living in my home, and one more in my heart. I did know my mission, I didn't want it, I kept saying there was someone smarter, more educated, more willing - I was not that girl. Well, in the past 20 years I have countless experiences to share. My heart is constantly reminding me I need to write it all down. I don't want to. I still don't believe I am a writer..... but I do know I have had so many life changing experiences, have had a remarkable journey to now know the answers to these questions...... heal my heart in so many different and so may miraculous ways - I want to share them. Maybe that is why my heart won't let me drop this..... I talk myself out of it all of the time...... I got brave enough to embark on this once again, right now, but honestly, who knows how soon I will be back on this page and write the list of experiences I have to share..... one by one.  

The following is something I wrote in a writing class that I took this summer. I hope whoever reads it, enjoys it, feels it, and passes it along. I believe it is a story more of us share than any of us realize, (especially my age). It is a story of hope, healing and light at the end of the tunnel. 

Adoption

 

On June 27, 1976 I became a “birth mom.”

 Alone, scared, unloved and abandoned by everyone, including myself. “Nothing from Nothing leaves Nothing.”

 How did I not know?     Oh yea, I am nothing, that’s how.

 Voices all around me, except my own. Their words of understanding my situation scream in my head because I know they are wrong. I can feel it with every part of my being…… they are wrong.

 That doesn’t make sense. Of course they are right…… I’m the one who’s wrong.

 I’ve abandoned myself….. I am nothing….. I can’t have these feelings……  I am bad…… What I think, what I feel, what I believe is right, is wrong…….  they are right…….  I can’t possibly know what is right for me.

 “No man will ever love you if you keep that baby,” my parents said.

 “The only way to be pure again is to repent and give up your baby. A sacrifice for someone who is worthy to have a child,” my Bishop said.

 Why do we shame? I believed them over my own heart. Shame kept me quiet, shame kept me bad, shame took my voice and I felt like nothing.

 I told my husband my shame. We never spoke of it again for 30 years. Shame keeps me nothing. “Nothing from nothing leaves nothing.” I feel empty inside. I still was afraid of my voice because right now my voice feels like an endless river of tears……

 “Teach your children well…… their mother’s hell did slowly go by”……

 I told my children my shame. I didn’t want them to live my hell. We didn’t speak of it again.

 “She” – always on my mind. “She” it was all I had of her. “She” is now 30.

 I’ve looked – no success. Closed adoptions suck. I sign her birth certificate with permission granted to give her information about me – “the birth mom” – if she comes looking.

 Another agency promising results.  Pay them the money and they will find her. 90% success rate. I’m in.

 I tell my children, the search is on, with a 90% success rate, so let’s get ready.

 “What if she doesn’t want to meet you mom?” my daughters said.

 My head says; that’s not possible. My heart says; that it is probable. Ignore the heart as usual, and go with the head. I just want to know she is alive and what her name is. I can be happy with that.

 But will I? How could I possibly know how it will feel to find her? I have spent 10, 950 days thinking about her. Wondering who “She” is.

 The call came…….. THEY FOUND HER…… She wants nothing to do with me. Her name is Melissa….. I am devasted. It’s NOT enough……. and I try to “hope” someday she will change her mind.

 10 YEARS LATER…… A message comes from a stranger, Wendy, looking for her “biological family.” Confused, I tell her,  I am a birth mom, but I have found my daughter, her name is Melissa.

 Wendy, messages me her birth date – how much she weighed, 10 lbs 4 oz……

Correct Information has my heart racing.

 She is a DNA match and is 2^nd cousins with my cousin Mark. DNA?…….. Match?…….. How is this possible?

 “I think we’re a match, would you be willing to take a DNA test?”

 Yes – right here – right now – how soon will we get the results? 

 Carl arrives home – sees my face and asks – “What’s wrong?”  I show him the messages. I tell him I took the DNA test – he says ----- that’s good. I feel relief. We are in this together.   Now we wait……..

 Pillow talk……. he asks…… Who Lied? Confused I reply – Lied – what are you talking about. I can feel his anger….

 “Yes Kim, somebody lied to you. Either social services lied to the given right agency or given right lied to you. Melissa is not your daughter. Someone lied to you and I want to know who!”

 He has a way of bringing me back to reality – to the present. I was so excited about DNA, Wendy, our messages to each other, I put everything else out of my mind. I was going with my heart this time…….  and the future……

 SCAMMED – an agency who advertised as being run by birth moms and adoptees – SCAMMED me. Years I wasted not looking and believing the lie I am nothing, I am bad…… These were Heartless, evil people.

 The pain is eased quickly as Wendy emails me every day. Pictures are sent…… she looks like me……. she looks like her sister, Ellie. She gives me her phone number so we can text…… She trusts me with her phone number.

 She sends me a text and asks if I would like to Face Time with her on my Birthday……..

 I reply – Yes – of course – YES, what a generous yet terrifying birthday gift.

 I fall apart…… crying….. gulping for air…… realizing how often I hold my breath…… Calm comes when I realize on my 61^st birthday I will see her face for the first time……. ever……. crying and breathing……. 

 In bed that night I realize I am not rocking myself to sleep – as I always do……..

 Pillow talk…… Carl says; “I don’t need a DNA test to know she is your daughter. I have read all of her emails to you. She is smart, kind, funny, generous and loving…… just like her mom.” 

I cry…. realizing how much easier it is to breathe I think; how in the world does this man see what he says is me…… I am so very loved.

 Then he says; “any part of you, is a part of me, so she is my daughter too, and I’m so glad she found us.”

 Through all of this pain – I have lived a beautiful life. I thank Carl, Ellie, Rachel, Scott, Nelson and Wendy. You all make my life complete.

 How can I teach you what I know now, but I didn’t know then.

 We can do better……

I can do better……

I have a voice…… I have wisdom……  I trust myself now, and I am right. I was always right. I could have listened to my heart and believed it. I believed “them,” instead.

 I now have a voice to share this story of abandoning my voice and my heart, and abandoning her. I left myself and lost myself and that cost me a part of my heart. I didn’t know. I had no one to teach me. No one told me I was good, and I believed I was bad. No one to tell me how destructive shame is – just the opposite – shame is good – it keeps you quiet…….. 

 I now have a voice ---- a voice to teach women how to silence the shame. I host a retreat for women who want to heal from their pain. We share our stories. It helps heal our hearts.

Brene Brown said; (quote) “When we find the courage to share our experiences and the compassion to hear others tell their stories, we force shame out of hiding and end the silence.” 

 I have a voice to teach others adoption may or may not be the right choice for them, but it IS their choice. And whatever that choice is we can and will treat them with love, respect, honor and dignity. There is no shame…..

 I am someone very special. I am a beautiful, kind and loving woman. I am a birth mom……. a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a healer.

 I have a voice and I will use it for good. I help women heal and teach women to trust their hearts because hearts are good, no matter what they have been through.

 And…… I will teach them new songs to sing………

 

 

 

 

 

 

Choice and Consequences

Early this week I was driving home from having lunch with a friend. It was an intentional lunch for us to talk about our lives. The good, the bad and the ugly. My friend is struggling and she is trying to do what is best for her and her children. Her life has been about this for as long as I have known her, and I easily remember the season in my life when I desired to do the same. Raise my kids to be healthy, happy, safe and secure. When you are in the midst of it, the choices we make are not always easily seen and yet each and every choice we make has a consequence. As I was driving I was pondering our conversation and wondered if I had told her some of my "gut feelings" long ago would it have made a difference. I had statistics to back up my gut feeling, but that was it. I had no experience with the friend who had hurt her, so I decided to stay quiet. I pondered now, if that was the right thing to do considering the sorrow and sadness she was now experiencing along with her children. At that moment I remembered some inspiration and council that I received a few years ago from the Holy Spirit. I was on my way to an event when two words entered my mind, "entitlement" and "superiority."  I immediately thought, who? Who has a sense of entitlement and feels superior? I arrived at the event and I observed, trying to figure out who those words belonged to. Were they for me? Were they about me? I said a little prayer, did a little gut check and the answer was Yes, they are for me, No, they are not about me. Then I asked; well tell me who they are about, so I can be aware. Immediately I was answered, "I cannot tell you who, that is gossip and I do not gossip. It is your job to be aware; behavior, words, actions are how this truth will be revealed to you so pay attention."  That is exactly what happened. It did not happen that day at that event. It took a little longer for me to experience words, behaviors and actions. When I did, truth was revealed. As I thought again about that experience, I understood why it would not have been OK for me to tell my friend my "gut" feelings; that would have been gossip, and the chances of her listening to it would not have been good, and it also might have caused some awkwardness in my relationship with her. What I did do at the time and will continue to do when I am in similar situations, is to ask her to pay attention. Pay close attention to everyone in your inner circle and if there is a behavior that does not makes sense it is a red flag for you to pay even closer attention. It is easy to "blow off" behavior inconsistencies when you love someone and that is why all of our relationships should be guided by the Holy Spirit and His love for all of us. We all need to pay attention so we see if there are any red flags.

This thought process let me to thinking about choice and consequences. Heavenly Father gave us our agency, the right to choose, the right to make our own decisions. The consequence for this gift for Heavenly Father is He would have to allow us to make good and bad choices and do nothing to intervene. He would have to allow us to suffer the consequences of "not paying attention." This also leads us to leaning on Him for understanding, direction, discernment and inspiration. If we lean on Him, our choices tend to be better than when we don't, therefore our consequences are also better. In my own life I can give you example after example of leaning on Him and asking Him for inspiration and paying attention and life is grander than I had imagined. To the polar opposite of not leaning on Him, figuring things out for myself, making a mistake, living through the consequences of that mistake, and then getting back on track. It is and always has been easier to gain the knowledge and inspiration we need to stay on the happiest and most rewarding of paths. Determination and dedication to Him will set us apart and satisfy our deepest desires to live for something beyond our-self. We are His, therefore, we have no need to allow disappointments or despair to direct our path any longer. We are human, He gave us choice, there are consequences to all of our choices and He allows us to live through those consequences and He provided us all a way back to Him.

As I thought about this beautiful plan I realized it is the same for me with my children. It is the same for my friend and her children. It is the same for all of us. We teach our children the best we can, they grow up and start to make their own choices. The hardest thing we have to do concerning this, is allowing them to live through their own consequences. The worst thing we could ever do to our children, (other than physical, sexual or emotional abuse), is suffer their consequences for them. Freedom to Choose is a gift from God, who are we to take it from Him and that is what we do when we enable our children to continue to make destructive choices. We have to let them choose for themselves and let the consequence follow We do not take away the good consequences, why do we try and take away the bad ones? That is when they learn the most - so in truth - we are hurting them. It is like looking at that 1 year old trying to walk. Each time they fall down, do we pick them up? No. We allow them to figure it out for themselves, the consequence of that fall. They will decide for themselves if they want to try it again or not. If we are always there to pick them up, how will they learn on their own. They most likely will sit there on the floor, until someone comes and rescues them. That will be the way they learned to walk. When I fall down, I will stay here till you pick me up so I can try again. I think most of us see the detrimental pattern here and do not want this pattern in our children lives.

So my point in all of this pondering is How beautifully and perfectly God showed us how to be parents. There IS a manual - there is a hard and fast and successful rule. Let them make their own age appropriate decisions and let them own the consequence of their decisions.

I am truly grateful for the friendships that I have that lead me to strengthen myself and my relationships.

 

Miracles Happen When We Listen and then Act

Early in 2015 I kept hearing inspiration to "start a blog." I argued with that for a year. Once I agreed, because it was really getting intense I quickly learned that I was supposed to "blog" my Angela Shelton healing workbook, titled; "Be Your Own Hero." This workbook is 52 weekly lessons digging into my life. It was hard so I prayed for something to come into my life to "balance' this workbook. I was amazed, and had to be convinced that "ART" was the answer to that prayer. Here I am half way through 2018 and I am slowly believing I can launch an art business, teaching the art classes that I myself learned. The biggest lesson for me was how much doing art worked to heal my heart. It was the perfect balance. Hard soul work balanced with creating soul work. Who knew! I believe God knows and I am grateful more than I can express that He led me to this balance. Art came into my life so I "thought" I could use it as an excuse to no longer blog. WRONG again ---- this blog has nagged at me for the two years since I stopped writing. And I stopped because I got to the point in my Angela Shelton workbook where I had to write my story. This was key to removing my sword of trauma. I will admit that I finished the workbook without finishing my story. I wrote part of it and stopped. I just did not know what and how I was supposed to post events in my life. Events many of my family and friends do not even know. Events that I couldn't even explain. Events that were still hanging with no end, no closure. So even though this blog was nagging at me, I stopped.

Well my family and friends. At the beginning of 2018 I have felt that nudge, prompting, inspiration, annoying me again with the words, "your story is good, it is important, it will help others. You have more than a blog to write, you have a book to write."  

Again, I am back to whaaaaat........ ?????? ....... This blog is a stretch for me and I have let it go for 2 years. How in the world can You think or expect me to write a book? I can't even write my story. Why do You push me into things that my mind tell me are not logical, not possible, unfathomable. "I really need you to stop," was my answer. Yet He knows me. He is is my Truth-Teller, He is is my God and His love is the most important and fulfilling love that I have. His love allows me to love everyone in my life, (including myself), the way He loves me. This has been a challenge at times for me to figure out. I have no boundaries when it comes to my relationship with God, but I have to set boundaries with family and friends to protect my heart so He can help me protect my peace. He allows me to suffer the consequences for my actions, and I have to learn to allow my family and friends do the same. He has taught me that truth and I believe I will have to answer for every consequence I suffer for someone else. (In other words-enable). Because I know this, I have had to put boundaries in place for many of my friends and family members. Those boundaries are often misunderstood that I am unhappy, or judgmental, or just harsh and unforgiving. Let me assure you, I am not unhappy, in fact I am happier than I have ever been. My heart feels more healed than ever, yet I still instinctively know there is more, and there will always be more. I do my best to not act judgmental, yet I have to judge what is best for my heart and then confirm that decision with my truth-teller and act accordingly. I do not always choose the best words and sometimes they do come out harsh. I continue to work on that, but still know the truth can hurt people who do not acknowledge destructive behavior. Hurt people hurt people. Healed people heal people. God has led me to remarkable places of healing and my desire is to help others do the same. I know how and why forgiveness is important, and I do my best to implement the blessings it brings to my heart.

The past month of my life has been an amazing roller coaster of emotions for me and this past weekend in the silence I have been able to listen to the whispers of my soul why writing is so important. I think I even know how to write my story - my challenge now lies in "just doing it." I am going to give it a try here with the hopes that maybe in a few years I will have done what I was asked to do, and be at a place to write the book He needs me to write. I have had the realization that I have actually taken part in creating every experience of my life and I have come to this earth for only one reason. To learn and that everything that has ever happened to me has been a loving step in that process. It is why I was given a blessing at the tender age of 17 to "prepare myself" because women would come to me for help and healing. I spent a lot of years believing that I no idea what that blessing meant, or how it would even come to pass. This weekend, I stand in awe and amazement that He has orchestrated the fruition of that blessing even during the years of my life that I ran, denied and spoke the words, "you've got the wrong girl."  I feel so happy, blessed and honored how gently and persistently He has pursued me. Allowing me to get on board with Him in my own way. He has been patiently waiting for me to quiet the noise and listen to Him, and act on His inspiration for the story of my life.

Action taken a Year Ago, Action taken Now.

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

September 4, 2016

I can’t believe a whole month  has gone by since I last posted a blog. The previous blog was the 1^st part of a 2 part entry from my workbook. When I posted the first part of week 21 I decided I would post the 2^nd part the following day. Well – here it is a month later. My biggest distraction of course is work and the silly politics that go on and still bring me down. I did added another distraction that has been really really good for me and that is our Book club. We are reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown and I think I have finally connected the simple dot that has me taking action and putting down the I am not enough and I am not good enough badge. (it is not a badge of honor). I made a decision that I no longer can wear that badge if I at all believe in God, believe in His Son and that He died for me. That He wants me back Home, in His arms, with my family, His family, our family. How can I possibly wear that badge and proclaim my testimony, believe my testimony, live my testimony and wear that badge. The word that came to mind was – hypocrite. Because I really can’t wear that badge and say I am not good enough. He says I am enough, He has whispered that in my ear over and over and over. He put me on a path to find my beloved Husband, who has told me over and over and over again, I am good enough, I am more than enough, I am beautiful and I am worthy. I have amazing kids who believe I am enough and cheer me on in all of my endeavors. And I have friends who support me, love me, accept me for who I am. I have a crazy good and fulfilling life. How could I dare wear that badge. When I realized this every emotion I had inside me from anger to joy came out. The anger at myself, because it kinda felt like I was calling Bull-shit on God all of these years. And JOY at the simplicity of it all. YES – I believe who He says I am, who I have always been. I put down my badge on Thursday night – September 1, 2016 and decided it was time I start wearing my crown! MY Crown – the Crown He gave me – the Crown He has been pursuing me to wear all of my life. Well friends, I am here to tell you, I am wearing it – and I am getting used to wearing it and soon enough I will not take it off.  And really………………it is that simple!  And that feels GREAT!

Now – here is part 2 of my Angela Shelton Workbook from Week 21, July 21, 2015.

Discussion:  If your child was ill and needed care, what kind of actions would you take?

            The actions I took while raising my kids was 1. Home remedies and try and make them comfortable. 2. If home remedies were not working fast enough it was a trip to the chiropractor. 3. If 1 & 2 did not work the Dr. was our next option.

You need a support system. Make a plan and gather support before removing your sword.

Where do you get the most support in your Life?

·         My Heavenly Father

·         Carl

·         My Kids, Ellie, Kyle, Scott, Jessalyn, Nelson

·         Meredith

·         Bev

·         Allison

·         Teresa

·         Tobie

·         Most of the Sacred and Treasured Team

·         Angela Shelton

Healing Worksheet: 

I feel most supported by:

·         My Heavenly Father

·         My Savior, Jesus Christ

·         Carl

·         My kids and their spouses

·         Bev

·         Meredith

·         Allison

·         Tobie

·         Most of the S & T Team

The People who are most healthy for me are:

·         The same list as above

Discussion: What does it mean to have team members in your life?

            It means I have people to talk to, to be real with, who will encourage me and tell me the truth. To love me unconditionally and give me healthy, honest, truthful feedback. That means everything. More important than stuff.

Removing your sword is a process that you must ultimately do yourself. Your team is your backup.

Who is on your team?

·         My Heavenly Father

·         My Savior, Jesus Christ

·         Carl

·         Meredith

·         Bev

·         Teresa

·         Allison

·         Tobie

Healing Worksheet:

If I needed help I would Call:

·         Carl

·         Mere

·         Bev

·         Teresa

·         (I would call the person I felt inspired to call – I believe that person will be the person that has what I need, the words I would need to hear).

I most trust:

·         My Heavenly Father

·         My Savior, Jesus Christ

·         Carl

·         My kids

·         Mere

·         Bev

·         Teresa

Discussion: Who do you trust? How can you find people to help you?

            Trust takes time to build, little by little, step by step by spending time with someone. It really doesn’t take that long to discern when you have someone who just wants a fake, superficial relationship or who just wants to use you. (Although I have given my trust to people that fit into that category). It does take time when you discern that a person is a possible source of trust to build that trust with each other. Especially if you have been betrayed many times by friends, family, leaders etc…..

Find therapists, support groups, friends and supportive family members you feel safest with.

1.      Who do I feel safest with?

a.      My God

b.      Carl

c.       Mere

d.      Bev

2.      Who would I call if I needed help?

a.      Prayers for guidance, who would be my best option, He knows my needs

b.      Carl

c.       Mere

d.      Bev

e.      Teresa

f.        Allison

g.      Tobie

h.      Most of the S & T team

Healing Worksheet

The people who have inspired, helped and supported me are:

·         Carl

·         Bev

·         Mere

·         Allison

·         Tobie

·         Teresa

·         Teresa

·         Aimee

·         Mindy

·         Carlee

·         Angela Shelton

·         Kelly Rae Roberts

·         Melody Ross and The Brave Girls Club

·         The original Discovery Training and leadership has helped inspire me and helped me in the path I was on, so I want to include them. However there is a caveat on this as the current leadership, have not supported me In my life and my mission and leadership has hurt me deeply with lies and gossip.

The organizations in my area are:

·         Incest Survivors Group

·         All 12 Step Groups

·         The Journey Training

·         Brave Girls Club

·         Angela Shelton – Be Your Own Hero Workbook

·         Celebrate Recovery

·         Sacred and Treasured Women’s Retreat

·         Darkness 2 Light

·         Defend Innocence

·         Younique Foundation

Working out a Plan Part 1

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

August 7, 2016

The following is my Angela Shelton workbook week 20, July 9, 2015

Discussion:  If you were going through surgery you would have to make a plan. You need to make a plan to remove your sword, too. 

If your child was wounded, how would you comfort them? 

I would first find out what was wrong, how severe it is, and then I would do whatever I could to heal them – or help them heal. Whether it was physical, emotional or spiritual. I would do whatever they needed and/or wanted.

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about a plan to remove your sword?  

What do I have to do? How do I do it? How long will it take? How long will it take to heal once it is removed? Will things be different?  Will I really be OK? What if it doesn’t change anything? 

Healing Worksheet:

My plan to remove my sword would have to have:

·         TIME! 

·         Time to be alone with my Father in Heaven – to be still and quiet and listen to my life.

·         Time with Carl

·         Time with Meredith, Allison and Tobie

·         A quiet safe place – like my home – like JTH

·         A big pillow I could punch, cry in or hold, tissues, essential oils, my favorite blanket, sometimes quiet, sometimes music.

·         A place to scream……….if I needed to. 

If I had to tell my child they had to have surgery, I would say:

This has to happen in order for you to be healthy. We will all help you before, during and after your surgery. You can tell us anything you can think of that you will need to help you heal from the surgery and we will also help you think of things. We will help you manage the pain. We will comfort you when it hurts and encourage you to do whatever it takes to heal. Whatever it is you need us to do or not do, we will. We love you and you will be better than you were before. 

The following is my Angela Shelton workbook week 21, July 16, 2015

Discussion: You need help, support, a place in which to remove it in the safest way possible, and a place to recover.

Where do you feel safest?  What are some places?

·         Home

·         Anywhere with Carl

·         Journey to Healing Lodge

Where is the first place you would go if you were going to remove your sword?

·         My home

·         Journey to Healing with Meredith, Allison, Teresa, Bev, Aimee, Tobie

·         Bev’s home

·         Meredith’s home

Healing Worksheet:

I feel safest when I:

·         Am with Carl, usually anywhere

·         With Meredith

·         With Bev

·         When I am home, by myself, listening to music, pondering and praying and feeling His Spirit

·         Journey to Healing

·         Ellie and Kyle’s home

·         Scott and Jessalyn’s home

If I had to hide somewhere I would go:

·         To my home

·         To Meredith’s home

·         To Bev’s home

·         Cindy’s home

·         Ellie’s

·         Scott’s

·         Kevann’s home

Week 21 to Be Continued..........................

Steps to becoming a Warrior

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

July 11, 2016

The following is my Angela Shelton workbook from week 19, July 2, 2015

Discussion:  What are the biggest fears about removing the sword? 

What would life be like if you left your sword in? 

     My feeling is that if I leave my sword in I will never heal, completely and I will continue that generational curse instead of breaking it. I feel as if that is what my parents have passed to on me. Hold it all in, stuff it down, we have the gospel and that is all we need to heal. I don’t want to pass that to my own children, I want to break it – that is what I have seen in my dream. The healing that has taken place in my life, Carl’s life and between us has been passed down to our children, and they passed it down to their children and it goes on for generations. That is a generational blessing I want to leave my family.  I have to heal for myself and have closure with my family and friends in the areas of my life that have been betrayed and hurt. I so often feel this is a big reason my family does not want me around. I want to heal, I want to figure things out and I make them uncomfortable when I talk about this. I know my parents and my family love me, and I needed to learn to love them, where they were at, without expectations of wanting more. More understanding, more healing. My parents could never validate my feelings and experiences – this led to more hurt, pain and misunderstanding of one another.  I learned to hide behind false appearances, so no one finds out the real truth. They had to be OK with keeping me out their lives because having me in their life jeopardized the truth getting out.  If I want a relationship with my family I have to keep my sword in. If I want to be whole I will have to remove my sword and be OK with either a superficial relationship with my family – or none at all. 

What are the biggest fears about removing the sword? 

·         Not being able to do it – completely

·         That it will remain the same –

·         That there isn’t a sword – this is really who I am

·         I will have to face the damage that has been done

·         Digging deep enough to understand my behaviors and what drives them

·         Thinking about how the betrayal of our best friends has really affected me

·         No closure or truth at church

·         No closure finding my daughter

·         Lies and gossip at Discovery that have hurt me

·         What it would look like or feel like to not care what other’s think

·         Learning how to let go

·         Connecting with my younger self

·         Stop trying to fix everything

·         Trying to make people understand my perspective

·         Being still and listening to my life

Healing Worksheet

My sword gives me comfort because:

·        It’s a part of me

·         I was raised with it and as a child it helped to protect me

·         It is hard to change, and change requires me to look at myself and my own accountability as an adult to what happened to me as a child

·         With the sword I can live in denial and not work on myself

·         I don’t have to face that my parents did not know how to love me.

·         It has enabled me to protect myself

·         I don’t have to remember if I don’t want to

I am familiar with:

·         Being accepting of an appearance based-superficial, fake relationship with my family

·         I am familiar with knowing if I want a relationship with them that is all I will get

·         It is my choice to be fake or not

·         Being afraid of confrontation

·         Being afraid of being honest with my emotions

·         Stuffing my emotions down

·         Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away

·         Rejection

·         Betrayal

·         Having my identity stolen with lies and gossip

·         Fear

If I was a warrior then I would have to:

·         Change – change the self-defeating games I play

·         Change my self-defeating doubts and thoughts about myself

·         Stop worrying about the way I look and focus on the way I act and feel

·         Be kind to myself – focus on healthy eating, exercise and talking myself out sitting round doing nothing.

·         Focus my attention on doing all of the fun, lovely and challenging things I would like to do.

·         Stand up and fight to teach more Stewards of Children Classes

·         Learn how to build our business and work on it daily

·         Fight through laziness and procrastination

·         Wear my JOY everyday – being an example of healing and Joy to everyone

·         TAKE OUT MY SWORD AND USE IT FOR GOOD!!!!!