Trying to Open up my Heart- for myself……

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

April 10, 2016

The following is my Angela Shelton workbook week 7, April 2, 2015

What are some ways that you can ignore or suppress pain? 

·         Acting as if I am fine and if I bury it deep enough it will not affect me

·         Promiscuity

·         Drugs, alcohol, stimulants that will dull or numb you heart

·         Building walls around your heart so no one can get in.

·         Complete Denial

You can live with the sword pierced through you. You can ignore the fact that you are wounded and deal with the symptoms of the cause. You have a choice. 

What symptoms can disguise the original trauma?

·         Being tired all of the time

·         Reading and TV – (hiding)

·         Eating – using food to address my emotions

·         Not being honest with myself and others

·         Taking care of everyone else – and ignoring me. (Abandoning myself). 

·         Thanking that most people are better than me, I will never measure up or be good enough

I have ignored the pain in  my life by:

·         Stuffing emotions

·         Hoping it will just go away w/out dealing or facing it

·         Taking care of everyone else – no one will notice my needs that way

·         Ignoring my own needs

·         Eating and emotional eating

·         Quitting – not exercising – not taking care of myself

·         Watching TV – reading – listening to music

·         Focusing on everything but my life (the pain in my life)

·         Not always making the right decisions

·         Not teaching my kids how to deal with emotional things

·         Continuing the generational curse of stuffing emotions, enabling bad behavior, covering up lies, keeping it all in the family…….  Etc.….. 

I cope by:

·         Helping other’s – serving obsessively

·         Crafts

·         Reading and music

·         Eating

·         Feeling sorry for myself

·         Taking it out on my kids and Carl

I am silent about:

·         My self-hatred

·         Things I remember

·         My body image

·         Not doing what I need to do

·         How others have hurt me -

SWIM........

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

April 3, 2016

No Angela Shelton workbook page today. I thought I'd share a little of where I am today, less anyone think I haven't yet climbed out of that hole!  I have. As I write this, I also think of a little sign I have written on a cute little chalkboard in my house: "Comparison is the thief of Joy." I have found this to be true in my life, all of the time.  

In January of this year I started writing goals and making plans for what I want in my life. I am nearly 60 years old and I kept thinking as I was writing, I am too old to do this. I want to teach mixed media art, maybe a heart/art retreat. I want to use art as a means to open a hippy fashioned coffee house, called; "A room with a Voice." In this little shop we would have a book club, a topic of the week to come in and discuss.  A child's corner so you can bring your kids and stay a while.  A prayer room and a place women can go to discuss all of their "stuff." Like; comparison, self hatred, success and failure, our hearts and our kids......  Women have a lot to talk about, just not always a place where they feel safe, nurtured, and not-judged, to be able to voice what they have on their hearts. A room for art projects, journal projects and healing hearts. And a well stocked freezer of home made casseroles, in case you have stayed too long, you can still provide a home cooked dinner for your family.  And of course an array of lovely teas, coffee's, pastries, salads and sandwiches. I have dreamed of having a store like this since I was in my early 20's.  So, here I am 58 years old, rekindling that dream in my heart and deciding it can't hurt to plan, So, I start writing goals, planning exactly what I need to do and I prayed for inspiration. Some of my goals I wrote in my journal early this year are; Social Networking, Find sponsorship and put ads on my blog, create a blog button for my blog, then I heard: SWIM. I thought - Swim? I don't have time to do all of the things I want to do, how am I going to fit in swimming. So I continue with my goals; make a weekly plan to create one thing per week, keep up on my blog - SWIM. I actually wrote - start swimming, then I put down my pen and walked away. 

That week, I rounded up a large bag, a big towel, swim suit, goggles, travel size bath products and I put a bag together to start swimming. I still didn't believe I had to time to do this, but I was considering He had a better plan for me than I did. The next week I went to the Health Club in the community where I live and I JOINED. I pouted one more week and the next week on Monday after work, I drove to the Health Club to swim. I love the water and I love to swim and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I went 3 times that week, and I accomplished more that week than I had the entire month. I remember thinking, humph......... I should have known.  

The next week I went swimming and one of the days I was doing my laps I decided to ask God what was the purpose for me to swim. Was it so I could see I could accomplish more, was it to get more healthy, was it to be obedient. I heard; Eat Salad..... Ha Ha I laughed, it IS for me to get healthy, and I suppose You think I should lose weight too! So, I ate a salad for lunch the next day. Now, I am not eating salad all of the time, but I am much more conscience about including a salad in my diet nearly every day and I am being more considerate of food choices.  

This past week while swimming, I was enjoying it so much, pushing myself to do more, adding 1 more lap, 15 more minutes.... My last swim of the week I was in the water for 60 minutes. As I was showering and getting ready to head home I was so enamored with what my body could do I had my BIG a-ha moment about why God wanted me to swim. It has been one more step in learning to F.L.Y. I was over-joyed that evening the amazing things my body does for me - no matter my size. So, if swimming leads me to lose weight great, if it leads me to be more healthy even better......Right now, the HUGE payoff has been for me to recognize how blessed I am to have the body I have and all of the wonderful things it allows me to do - things I LOVE to do.  So I am going to keep swimming because I really love to swim!  And I thank Him for reminding me of that!  

Hugs and Blessings!

Kim Mayer

Learning to Breathe..............

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

The following is from my Angela Shelton Sword of Trauma Workbook, Week 6. March 26, 2015

Why is breathing affected by trauma?

     I have witnessed more than one person learn to breathe after they started facing their trauma. Once

a woman at a retreat I was attending was completely crippled at the thought of introducing herself. When the facilitator asked her how long it had been since she had taken a breath, she broke down in sobs and said; “I haven’t breathed since I was six years old.”

     I was astounded that the woman could understand and articulate this. I then realized breathing had everything to do with all of the trauma she had stuffed down into her core. If she dared take a deep breath, it might come out.  I felt for her, and yet grateful I could breathe. 

     We spend much of our lives wasting huge amounts of energy and resources in the active avoidance of encountering our deepest selves.  It is no accident that Facebook, Internet, medication, TV, food and many more numbing agents make up a booming industry.

     However, the price to pay for avoiding our inner fears is just too high. It costs us our life force, creativity and literally takes our breath away. We deprive ourselves of life nourishing oxygen to cut off the intensity of feeling.

     Is it a fear of overwhelming pain we might encounter under the pasted on smile and "outgoing" personality? If I talk about it, I might start crying. If I start crying I will never stop.  Or a fear of appearing vulnerable and weak? This fear of connecting with our deepest feelings is deeply rooted in childhood trauma. If we look back, it’s likely that each of us will recall at least one childhood episode where we made an unconscious decision not to feel. And when we can’t feel, we can’t breathe. Being wounded makes it hard to breathe deeply. 

What am I afraid to say out Loud? 

·         What I do remember

·         Thing’s I’ve done

·         Things my family has done

·         Self-hatred

  If I could talk to my body, I would say……

·         Why do you have to be fat?

·         This is unacceptable

·         You’re ugly – look at your fat face and double chin

·         UGH – I hate how big my stomach is

·         So glad I can’t see by back side – I don’t even try

·         I can’t figure out how my husband says I am beautiful

·         I can’t even look at me

If I could talk to my pain, I would say……

·         It’s time to let it go

·         Let’s heal everything

·         Where does all of this pain come from

·         Do I have to remember everything before it all goes away?

·         Why do I have nightmares of being attacked and I can’t scream for help – I have no breath

·         Why do I have even worse nightmares when I try and recover childhood memories? 

·         I think you have been a part of my life for so long I don’t know and can’t imagine any other way.

·         It’s OK to feel you, it lets me know I have feelings for myself

     The day after I did this workbook page, I think my husband could tell things were getting tough and intense for me.  I had worked on this stuff before, but this time it was different.  I was going deeper and I think I was being more honest with myself. It was an intense process for me. He could feel it. He sent me the following text while I was at work; “It is not lost on me how blessed I am to be loved by you.”   WOW, words I needed to hear, but I felt so undeserving of them.  Here was my reply; “I don’t know what to say to that. I have tears in my eyes just to think about those words and where I am at with loving myself – and I think, how could I not love myself when I can feel how much my Heavenly Father loves me by the way He blesses me, most especially through you. Then I must be someone very special.”

As my inner tension relaxes, a pathway opens for my heart's energy to shine through and with it allows me to experience life at its fullest.  A big connection for me-------as I learn to love myself, I can breathe deeper and easier – because all of that stuff in my gut is going away – making room for me to breathe!

Hugs and Blessings,

Kim Mayer