FEAR..........

FEAR……………

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

June 30, 2016

The assignment for week 15 from my Angela Shelton workbook on June 4, 2015 is my story.  I am not ready to share this as of now. I have two reasons for skipping over this; 1. I am just not ready and 2, I didn’t finish my story when I did this assignment. I skipped over a very large traumatic event in my life because I was not ready to write. I realized I had a lot of healing to do in regards to this event. “Timing is Everything” and I know when the time is right for me to dive into this, I will do so and I will finish my story. So, with that said, here is Week 16 of my Angela Shelton Be Your Own Hero, healing workbook dated June 11, 2015. 

Discussion: The thought of facing trauma and going through the process of recovery brings up fear.

Why does it seem easier to hold on to pain?

·        Because I deserve it.

·        Because it is the way it is, it is hard to let go.

·        It will hurt even more to face it than it does to hold it in.

·        Why do I need to face it? Who is going to help, what purpose will it serve?

·        I may get so angry I might not be able to control myself.

·        I might cry and never stop.

·        I might not like myself

·        It might hurt other people if I talk about things

What would you have to let go of in order to move past pain and suffering? 

·        Fear of truth

·        Wanting a different story

·        I would have to let go of the fear of going through the recovery of memories.

·        The lie that I can’t do it

·        I will never have closure anyway, so why bother…..

·        The truth will never come out

·        I will always be talked about and thought as the bad guy – that I did something wrong.

·        I want everyone to know and believe the truth about the lies and gossip that was spread to destroy me.

·        Caring what people think, caring that they believe the lies because “leaders” would not tell lies.

·        I have to let go of self-loathing and self-hatred

·        The lie of needing to be important.

Healing Worksheet

The memory that haunts me the most is:

     We experienced a life changing event in our home that I cannot take the liberty to write details about in this blog. I believe that as I spent so many years running and hiding from my mission, my calling and destiny I ignored warnings and red flags and obvious signs that there were predators in our lives. It haunts me that there has been no closure to these events, that we don't talk about this big chunk of time in our lives and be honest with each other. It haunts me to know others are still being hurt from fear and denial.

I am not happy about:

     The fact that I ignored so many signs and warnings – just because they were our friends and went to church with us. Over 17 years there were countless signs, grooming techniques that I ignored, rules were ignored,  and the envelope was pushed to see how we would respond. We responded by ignoring and not believing what we were seeing.  

He will give us what we need………….

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

June 20, 2016

I started this Healing Workbook in February of 2015.  As it progressed each week, I spent some time in prayer asking my Heavenly Father for something “fun” to do that would kind of balance the emotional work from this workbook.  Shortly after that prayer I ran across a FB post where a friend stated she was going to do something fun, something she had never done before, something challenging and “out of the box” for her. With my interest peaked, I messaged her and asked her to share the secret fun she was about to embark on. She told me she was going to take an on-line art class called Mixed-Media Mantra painting by Kelly Rae Roberts.  I have loved KRR’s work for a long time and I had seen this class on her website, but $300.00 at that time was out of the question. I looked at her website again, that very day and can you believe it------she was having a “sale” on that class and for “that day” only she was offering it for $99.00.  Yup----answer to my prayer and I had $100.00.  I signed up IMMEDIATELY.  Then…..I told Carl, we printed the supply list and he took me out to buy the supplies.  $100.00 later, I was ready and excited to take my first painting class. The lessons went live in April – I couldn’t wait.  My first lesson came and it wasn’t painting – it was a JOURNAL lesson. Whaaaaaat???  – more “work?”  I did the lesson – and it was EXACYLY what I needed – it was a parallel to the Angela Shelton workbook I was doing and I was again AMAZED!!! That journal lesson helped me “re-write” some of the lies that I tell myself. Something I had not considered before. Carl came home from work and asked; “how was your first painting class?” I laughed and said it was GREAT. He asked to see what I had painted – and he was surprised when I told him it was a journal lesson about the “Lies we tell ourselves.”  The next lesson was more of the same – a journal lesson about the people who have influenced my life. Who are my hero’s.  This time when Carl came home and learned it was another journal lesson said: “so are you really going to paint?”  Ha! I had all of these supplies, but I really didn’t care – so far this was so good for me and was the “perfect fun” activity to coincide with the emotional work I was doing.  It was crazy good. The next painting/journal class was writing mantra’s. Taking the power words from what we had previously written. This was GREAT for me, because up until this time I would tell you I was good at finding inspirational writing, sayings and paintings, and I could copy a lot of it. But “create” it, write it myself. NO-WAY!  (one of the lies I told myself).  Now I had a journal full of mantra’s – truths about me and my life that I wrote – all by myself…….. and some of them are really good!  This was crazy good for me and EXACTLY what I needed.

     Now it is time to paint, and I have enough “mantra’s” for many paintings and I have confidence that if I can learn to do this – I can learn to paint!  After taking the first course, I learned that I am uptight – I have to figure out how to let go and not worry about perfect. I am a fixer and I plan how to fix things. Effects of trauma in my life that may have worked for me as a child, but are not serving me well as an adult. I take the class again and each time I paint I write down these words: PLAY – when playing stops perfectionism starts,  JUST PLAY! This helped me immensely and I actually created a few paintings that I really liked. I even was brave enough to give a few paintings as presents. Once I got a little more comfortable with myself I went back to KRR’s website and signed up for another e-course of hers.  The 30-Day Wear Your Joy Project. I am extremely overweight and during all of this journey, I am trying to learn to love myself as I am. I have a feeling once I really start loving who I am, I will love myself enough to do something about my weight. Learning to wear my joy was a BIG stretch for me at the size I am. But something was nagging me to do it, so I did.  Another HUGE eye opening crazy loving step to finding more inside myself and bringing out into the light. This 30 day experience opened my eyes to discovering more about myself and learning even more how to trust and love myself. The hardest challenge of this 30 day project was cleaning out my closet. The instructions were to go through every piece of clothing in my closet and dresser. If it did not fit me I was supposed to put it in the “does not fit pile.” If it did fit me I was to hold it up in front of me and ask; “does this bring me joy when I wear it.?’  By the time I was through my closet I literally had NOTHING to wear. EVERYTHING I wore was for one purpose – TO COVER MY FAT BODY! Nothing colorful, nothing that brought me joy. I didn’t even know what “my style” was. Nothing that I wore expressed the joy that I had for life. Nor did it express that I was on a path to learn to love myself. It didn’t express the love I had experienced in my life, past and present. Oh what a sad state I found myself in. I had to go back through some of my clothes and put them back in my closet because I had to get dressed for work every day!  Ha! I made a goal to buy one piece of clothing a week that I loved and brought me Joy, until I had a week’s worth of outfits to wear. This was another HUGE accomplishment for me, because this meant I had to go look for colors and patterns, and try and figure out what I really like. I have accomplished that to an extent, and I have some joy in my closet but I am far from dressing in my own style or thinking I look good.  I am working on it – and I will do this 30-day practice again.  Soon! 

I share this parallel journey with you because the next few lessons in Angela Shelton in my opinion are rough and I wanted to express the great things going on in my life at the same time of the “trauma excavation” journey.  I am amazed as I look back and write about this amazing year. Incredible it went by so fast and I accomplished so much! He continues to put people, places, and things in my life to make it more than wonderful. I am completely overwhelmed and completely grateful.

Hugs and Blessings!

Kim Mayer

If you are interested in the KRR Mixed Media Mantra Class or the Wear Your Joy Project please visit her website at www.kellyraeroberts.com

Also - here a a few of my first mixed media mantra painting and my first angel painting.

Emotional Pain Has its Effects…….

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

June 18, 2016

The following is my Angela Shelton workbook week 13, May 14, 2015

Discussion:  Everyone has a story. How can my pain affect all areas of my life? 

     (Before I answer this I want to explain that before every workbook lesson you get a video from Angela discussing what your assignment is about. In the video for this workbook assignment she asks a question that is not on the workbook page and then discusses it. I started out this workbook page answering the question from the video. Then I go into answering the question above.  The question from the video is; What do I complain about most?   

     I would say I complain most about others not seeing the real me, or even caring to. Not being asked to be at Discovery, about not being good enough, not being listened to or that I matter.  I have no voice, no one knows I am smart. My brokenness must give out vibes that I am not good enough. I experience the judgement of others before they even know me, and then lies and gossip are spread and believed. Not too many are interested in asking me if what they heard about me is true. I see confusion on the faces of family and friends who have taken the time to get to know me and they realize the lies they have heard do not match my actions and behavior. My trauma is connected to this because I never felt good enough for my parents, therefore it is easy to not feel good enough for others. I also complain about my weight, my hair, not enough $, my job, not being seen or heard and when Carl blows me off). 

   (Now to answer the first question).   How can my pain affect all areas of my life.  Before I even recognized I was reacting from the effect of pain – I was  a girl who couldn’t say no. I wanted to, I just didn’t. I just really wanted to be loved and if that was the only way I could get it – that was all I was worth – then that was the way it was and I couldn’t change it. When I became a wife and mother and even as a daughter and friend, I was OK with appearance based and superficial relationships, that was all I knew. This kept me from real joy and happiness because I did not stay focused – I allowed predator’s into our lives. I ran from everything that could have led me to healing and towards most things fake and superficial.  The past affected my life by not being able to stand up for myself. To believing I was not smart and not believe the Holy Spirit’s intercession in my life. Giving my daughter up for adoption, instead of listening to what my Father In Heaven was trying to inspire me to do. I believed the lie that no one would ever want me with a child – a child would prove to every man that I was used and damaged. The Holy Sprint told me that a man would love me so much it wouldn’t matter to him. I didn’t let my kids in as close as I wanted them and it has taken me a long time for me to let Carl in completely. 

What is your trauma? 

     My trauma comes from being raised in a home with a violent alcoholic father and a complacent mother. As a child I was not protected and very often witnessed violence. Trauma came to me from moving every two years. I witnessed my mother show compassion to many during my life, but for some reason when it came to me she was harsh, judgmental, vengeful.  I so often felt like the child they just couldn’t love and that was confirmed when they could not attend my wedding. They just couldn’t get away and had too many kids at home. I knew that really hurt me, but it caused an enormous amount of pain when many years later I witnessed my dad walk my youngest sister down the aisle of her 2^nd marriage. (Basically a stranger walked me down the aisle) and at Krista’s wedding it upset me so, I had to leave for a bit.

  

What is your story?

     In a nutshell, my story is because of unhealed trauma, I had a hard time recognizing how I allowed people to treat me and how I kept nearly everyone in my life at arm’s length. It was a coping technique from childhood that did not serve me well as an adult. Violence and abuse took away my instincts and ability to discern danger. I was buried in behaviors and didn’t know who I really was. What I was made of, or what I would stand for. Unhealed trauma kept the generational curses passed down to me from my parents will be passed down to my children.  (Our kids absolutely carry our pain - starting at a very early age). At age 42 I wanted to know who I was, how God saw me – who God created me to be. I knew my mission and had never in all honesty lived it. I was too scared. So I asked God to reveal to me who I am, who I have always been and how He sees me. To this day – 16 years later from falling on my face and begging Him to show me – He has, and He has never stopped. The only time He has stopped is when I have run from Him. He has always waited patiently for me to come back and I am grateful I always do and….. I run less frequently.

Hugs and Blessings!

Kim Mayer

On the road to connecting more dots........

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

June 12, 2016

The following is my Angela Shelton workbook week 12. May 7, 2015

Discussion:  You can see that you can live a much healthier life when you remove the sword that wounded you in the first place.

What did you do as a child that you loved? 

     I remember I loved playing outside. I loved to ride my bike wherever I could. I was safe if I was not in my house. We played kick the can and flash light tag with the neighborhood kids, until everyone had to go in because it was late. One of the places we lived there were fire flies at night, I loved watching them. I remember kids trying to catch them and we would look at them light up in the jars they were put in. My sister Kay and I loved making up plays and performing them for neighbor kids and their parents. One time my mom and dad even came to watch. I always sang something, I loved singing and music.

Take a moment and go back to your childhood and find one happy memory that made you giddy. 

     I remember once my mom packed us kids up and took us to the Navy base where we checked out a camper and camping supplies. We drove to a lake and stayed there for what I remember as a couple of weeks. There were kids there to play with, a playground, the lake to swim in and a dock to fish off of. Some other campers had a boat and pulled girls on a tube behind the boat. Every day was fun with no stress.  We were away from my dad, we were safe, and we played and had so much fun. I wanted to live there.  I think this was before Kirk was born, so maybe I was 5 or 6, I am not sure though. 

Healing Work Sheet:

 When I was little, my favorite thing to do was:

     I don’t remember – if I could remember I think I would have loved to play dress-up, get into my mom’s make-up and learn how to fix my hair. I think I liked to play with dolls. 

I lose all track of time when I:

     Try and make things – crafts, cook, play music, etc. Things that I can do by myself, and go inside myself and think about things and talk to God about my life. I love the beaded necklaces I make for the retreat. They are simple and beautiful and leave me lots of time to think. I love that I am trying to let go and learn how to paint. Be messy – not try and always “fix” things.

I have the most fun when I:

    Am with Carl and my guard is down. When I am laughing and having a good time with friends. When I am dancing like no one is watching – when I am singing out LOUD in my car – or home – alone. When we have friends over and we laugh and play. When I am allowed to witness others find joy and healing. When I am with Bev. When I take a road trip with Meredith and we talk and laugh and the funniest things happen.  When I am with my kids and Carl and we are playing games – and the kids are like bear cubs playing. When I am cooking for my family and while I am doing so witness the fun and/or the sports on TV and the interaction between Carl and the kids. When I get to witness Ellie and Dalton and be amazed at how good of a mother she is. When I get to serve at Discovery – especially writing gifts in D2 where I always feel Rachel there with me.  Dinner out with friends – meeting friends at Starbucks to visit and catch up. Being in the water, by the beach, or in the pool. Vacation trips and being in my home, with Carl.

Hugs and Blessings,

Kim Mayer

Recognizing some behavior issues……..

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

June 10, 2016

The following is my Angela Shelton workbook week 11, April 30, 2015

When you see the sword and realize you are wounded, you can also see how your behavior is affecting yourself and the world around you. 

Discussion: 

How can someone’s past pain affect their behavior in the present?

     The unhealed past usually always seeps into our present. It affects our relationships, many turn to drugs and/or alcohol. Pornography and sex addictions can be a present behavior because of unhealed trauma of our past. Being emotionally unavailable, depression, bi-polar, personality disorder, PTSD, eating disorders and so much more.

     For me, I was very promiscuous as a teenager and young adult.  That is when I consciously starting to hate myself. Sex equaled love to me, so I took it – even though I hated it, and hated myself for letting it happen. By the age of 19 I was pregnant, scared and very alone. My parents sent me to a home to have the baby, give her up for adoption and then pretend that it never happened. My first birth experience was traumatic for me. I was alone in the labor room, had no idea what was going to happen to me. Labor did not progress as fast as the Dr. wanted, I was given Pitocin, and an epidural. I had a “high-forceps” delivery and it took them over an hour to stich me back up. I wasn’t allowed to see or touch my baby, and I could hear the nurses talking that I could not see the baby, because I was “giving her away.” I was screaming on the inside. They moved me to a different floor to recover, so I wouldn’t be near the babies. No one came to visit or ask how I was. A few days later my parents came to pick me up and drive me home from St. Louis to Leavenworth Kansas. I was in pain the entire way back to my parents’ home.   I had to have a very short haircut after the birth because I had been left alone in the labor room on my back, strapped to a monitor for so many hours the hair on the back of my head was so matted it had to be cut. So, now the hatred is really deep for myself, I was so bad, I deserved to be treated bad.

   I do not remember a lot about my childhood. I do however remember making a decision, I believe I was 3, that “if” I kept the house clean and picked up, maybe, just maybe dad wouldn’t come home and be angry. I cleaned the house a lot, and I remember trying to fix things for everyone, so no one would get hurt, or screamed at. I remember as a child that I had to do everything I could to keep my dad from getting angry.  That might have helped me as a child, but as an adult it set me up for co-dependency, perfectionism,  always trying to “fix” everyone, (except myself – I didn’t deserve it). I took care of everyone else and abandoned myself, much like my parents had abandoned me.

What if everything you did affected everything else?

     I have learned my behavior does affect myself and everyone around me. When I am mad/angry I take it out on the those around me – even at work. When I am sad, I sleep a lot, I pity myself, I take it out on others and I eat a lot. I am usually afraid to let others all the way in to my heart. I like and/or I try to make people feel sorry for me.  (aka: “Woe is Me”).  I have done this all of my life. The pattern is hard to break.

Healing Worksheet:

My emotions affect others when I:

     Am frustrated, angry, hurt feelings or sad. My behavior reflects my emotions in my attitude, by the way I treat those who are closest to me. I shut down – I do not talk and/or confront. I am so afraid of rage that I hold as much as I can in.  I hope it will all go away if I ignore it. I also eat for comfort.

My anger affects others when I:

     Withhold love, affection, attention, don’t hold my tongue, want to get back at you/revenge and when I say harsh things.

My fears affect others when I:

     Hide my feelings, shut down and stop talking, lash out in anger and say things I really don’t mean and then I regret. I walk away……

(God can't change what I don't acknowledge).  

Much Love and Big Hugs,

Kim Mayer

Do You Remember…….

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

June 6, 2016

This past weekend I made some time for myself, specifically so I could listen. I was feeling uncomfortable with the feelings I needed to continue with this journey of blogging my Angela Shelton - Be Your Own Hero Workbook. I was feeling uncomfortable because of some of the feedback I was receiving from my blog. No doubt it was positive feedback, yet 3 or 4 different people spoke of the rawness, the transparency and vulnerability I was allowing to be seen. It was brave. Thinking about those comments, my insecurities started to wonder if the small amount of people reading my blog considered that I was out of this mess – through the tunnel and on the other side in the bright, big, beautiful light of self- love. My worry is because this workbook goes even deeper and gets even uglier as I try and get all of the poison out. My wise, sweet, kind, loving, gentle, all healing Heavenly Father put these words in my mind as I listened to Him this weekend. “Do you remember how you finally started this journey? Do you remember you were scared so you ran into some joy to balance out the pain and fear.  Do you remember Joy from your friends who joined you……and joy from a painting class that you say, literally fell on your lap. An art class that took you straight into your heart, where you recognized the little girl that you thought was lost. Do you remember how that balanced you out? What about the friends, the remarkable women that joined you on this journey? Everything you wrote in your workbook you read to them. They love you even more for sharing yourself with them, just as you love them so much for sharing there workbook with you. So please remember this my child, try and imagine how much I love you, honor you, adore you and how proud I am of you for joining Me on this journey. You have found much more of yourself on this journey. It wasn’t always easy and you did it anyway. You will accomplish much, please keep following the Holy Spirit. It has always been my spirit, my voice and my thoughts guiding you.”  Tears streamed down my face as I got up to write this down in my journal. What a special moment. I try to be very careful and inspired about the revelations, miracles and inspiration God blesses me with. I have shared before when it has been minimized by others and these experiences are too sacred and holy in my life to be minimized. I share this with you as part of this journey to get past my fears and insecurities. I share this with you because I know with all of my heart that what God shares with one, He shares with all, because He loves us all, and there is not one of us that He loves more than the other. Much like I have learned to love the women who shared this journey with me – I truly love them all of the same, some of us spend more time with each other than the others……we all do this with God too-------- yet He loves us all the same.  In a world where many of us forget there are miracles, I wanted to share this miracle with you. Miracles happen, every minute of every day, we miss them when we do not pay attention and Listen.  

The following is my Angela Shelton workbook week 10, April 23, 2015

Discussion:  Step One – Acknowledging the Sword

What if you were pierced with a Sword?

     I would have to first recognize that I was pierced with a sword and then I would have to decide to face it, or put it away in a box somewhere and hope that it doesn’t seep out into my life.

What fear do you have to Face? What secrets are you keeping? How have you personally been pierced with the sword? 

     I have fear that I might not ever learn my truth, the secrets buried in my childhood memories that I cannot seem to unlock. I have recently remembered some disturbing things. My experience in the 1^st grade being asked to leave the classroom, I have an ugly flashback in our van under a blanket with someone, I don’t know who…….I remember an some things that happened when we lived in Kansas, I don’t know how old I was. I remember being on my Uncles farm witnessing and participating in some harsh treatment of some of the cats that ran around the farm. (Animal cruelty).  I remember the feeling of self-hatred and self-loathing that came with those flashbacks and memories. These are also some of the secrets that I have kept. These memories are ugly and that is how I see myself, ugly. I was also pierced with the sword by my violent and alcoholic father and with the constant moving that we did. Even after the drinking ended my father found another way to ignore me and both my mother and father used religion as a drug and a weapon. I was shamed into giving my child up for adoption at age 19. As an adult more wounds came from the betrayal of my own church family, with lies, gossip and betrayal. The death of 3 of my closest friends and abandonment by my family.  The betrayal of our best friends.

Healing Worksheet : 

I am fearful of:

·         Not being able to remember

·         Not knowing yet if it is imperative that I remember

·         Not listening for the answers because I am afraid either I will think I made it up, or others will think I make it up. (The enemy is so crafty that way)

·         What I have listened to and heard, is that my sexuality was woken up too early – the Holy Spirit showed me in my mind a picture of me when I was maybe 10 months old, the spirit put the words in my mind; you were a baby and so were they……

·         Believing I was very young and believing it was my Grandfather, what if it wasn’t? Who then?

·         What if I am wrong – or am being deceived

·         All of the “What if’s” scare me

I feel like I can’t:

·         Focus and think hard enough to be able to answer these questions and get to the end of this workbook

·         Always be honest with myself

·         Ask the right questions and/or figure out the answer

·         At times, trust my own judgement

I have been stuck and stunted by:

·         The fear from not knowing and thinking what is wrong with me

·         Fear of remembering too much

·         Fear of realizing I was so young I can’t possibly remember, ever, and that my body will always respond with fear

·         Self-hatred, poor self-image, what other people think of me and what other people say about me

·         Why so often people in leadership do not like me and why it bothers me so much

·         I want to feel like I am enough and what other people think and how they respond to me would validate me – I instead feel ignored, over-looked, not smart enough, not good enough

Hugs and Blessings,

Kim Mayer

The Cost of Denial

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

June 4, 2016

The following is my Angela Shelton workbook week 9, April 16, 2015

“You can live in entire communities that are in pain. Keeping the sword in place is living in denial. Denial is a powerful choice that you have freedom to make.” 

Discussion:

How does denial manifest in the world?

·         Abandoned Children	·         Drugs
·         Alcohol	·         Confusion
·         Empty	·         Fake lives
·         Suicide	·         Making up a God to suit yourself
·         Lack of listening	·         Lack of empathy for other’s
·         Making up your own truth to justify your actions	·         Idolatry – Love of $$ and stuff
·         Loss of God	·         Lost
·         Lonely	·         Unfulfilled
·         Seeing only the physical	·         Broken Relationships
·         Denial	·         Anger
·         Hurt	·         Pain
·         Guilt & Guilty	·         Becoming a predator
·         Becoming a user and a player	·         Self-hatred
·         Loss of destiny and vision for life	·         Homelessness
·         Mental illness	·         Physical illness

                                 

How can groups of people be in Denial?

·         Birds of a feather flock together. It is uncomfortable for someone living in denial to be around someone who is trying to deal and heal from their trauma.

·         It is an issue of trust for me. It takes courage, vulnerability, self-worth and confidence to be your authentic self in a group. Most of us wear masks to protect ourselves. “If you knew this about me, you would think I am so bad.”  We don’t want to be judged so we live in denial. Maybe, if we are very lucky, we can find a friend with whom we can be authentic with. 

Healing Worksheet

Denial shows up in my life as:

·         Ignoring God	·         Obesity
·         Hiding	·         Not trusting
·         Lack of courage	·         Lack of self-worth
·         Lack of energy	·         Feeling powerless
·         Not being good enough	·         Poor self-image
·         Judging myself too harshly	·         Feeling unworthy
·         Not listening	·         Not applying healing to myself
·         No changing	·         Being harsh
·         Dishonesty	·         Self-pity
·         Abandoning myself	·         Denying things that bother me
·         Forgetting my dreams	·         Believing I am not worthy of my dreams
·         Believing I am not worthy of God’s dreams for me	·         People pleasing and putting others first at my own expense

I have Dealt with Denial by:

• Pretending it has not affected me
• Convincing others and myself as long as I do good – I am good. 
• Losing myself, my purpose and what I stand for
• Excluding people from my life
• Judging others
• Telling God, my friends and family, I am not good enough, I am not the right person, I am not smart enough, talented enough, making myself small.
• Abandoning myself – my power beyond measure, my passion, my body, my health, my success and my dreams
• Lying to myself and others
• Constantly questioning myself and God
• Worrying and caring what others think of me
• Not caring about what I think of me

I have been silent about:

• Self-loathing / Self-hatred          
• Not being OK
• Feeling like it is OK not to remember or think I am OK not remembering
• Worrying that I am wrong – about them and me
• The desire and fear I have about talking to my sister Kari about all of this
• Revelations about my life that I have received from my Heavenly Father
• Flash backs and memories that are just too ugly to tell anyone
• How much it costs me to hold all of this in

As I read these workbook pages from a year ago I want to mention here that I am so blessed and grateful this journey was put in my path. This was hard crap to recognize and then let go of. And it got worse before it started getting better.  I am so grateful I am on the other side of this workbook and journey and that I took a year, to look inside myself to see truly everything I am as God made me. Such a short time to accomplish so much – and I am grateful this was my journey to healing. 

Hugs and Blessings!

Kim Mayer