Feeling Vulnerable

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

The following is my Angela Shelton workbook page, week 2, February 25, 2015

Experiencing trauma is like being pierced with a  sword. 

WHAT ARE SOME TYPES OF TRAUMA?  Rape, domestic violence, incest, PTSD, witnessing someone dying, a loved one incarcerated, being an addict, witnessing violence, neglect, parent or spouse who is emotionally unavailable, bullying, death of a parent, death of a child, little to no childhood memories, betrayal, being lied to, denial, lack of self-worth, not feeling loved, abortion,  giving up a child for adoption, being adopted,  poor self-image, self-hatred/loathing, childbirth alone, miscarriage.

Week 3, February 25, 2015

WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SECRETS ABOUT THEIR PASTS AND THEIR PAINS?  Trauma can leave you silent, frozen in fear, stuck and in too much pain to even consider talking about it.  Better to either push it down, or put it in a box and shelf it. 

WHY DO PEOPLE SOMETIMES FEEL SAFER BY REMAINING SILENT? 

·         Maybe I can convince myself nothing happened if I am silent

·         It is too painful to talk about it and if I do, it will hurt even more

·         I will NEVER stop crying

·         People will know I am a bad person

·         People will judge me

·         I want everyone to believe I have it all together

·         People will think I am stupid

·         People will think I have no heart

·         I can’t talk about it. I only have flashbacks to go on. I don’t know who, how old, where, I do not remember anything.

I EXPERIENCED PAIN WHEN:

·         I witnessed violence as a child

·         Every time I was promiscuous – I remember I hated myself every time, but I was silent and never said no. 

·         Became pregnant at age 18 from a one night stand

·         My parents words; no man will ever love you if you keep that child. It is proof you are used.

·         My parents sending me away to a strange home to give birth. I was all alone

·         The birth of my first child was very traumatic.

·         The nurse immediately taking her away from me, saying I couldn’t hold her because I was giving her away.

·         Returning home after her birth

·         Bearing the silence

·         Ignoring who I am

·         Ignoring God and the blessing I received when I was pregnant, I believed the lies instead.

·         Ignoring why God gave me this mission

·         Not asking why……………asking questions to the Red Flags

·         More Silence

·         Sudden deaths of 3 close friends

·         Trauma from lies, gossip, betrayal, scapegoated at church

·         Being silent about Lauren

·         Gabe’s death

·         Betrayal of the Morris’

·         Nelson Incarcerated

·         Rachel’s death / telling Nelson behind the glass in jail

·         The girl’s home

·         Hating myself

·         Looking in the mirror

·         Believing I am dumb

·         Believing I am ugly

·         Not being good enough

I FEEL ANXIETY WHEN:

·         I have to confront my lack of memories / confront my family

·         I know I have to work on myself

·         When I think about not being with my church

·         Being in the truth / not being in truth

·         Friends not liking me or judging me because of my faith so I don’t share my truth, my faith, the experiences I have had with my relationship with God and personal revelation. I get very anxious when it gets brought up, my feeling and sense is my friends believe I have been deceived. Which is partly true, man has tried to deceive me, God has told me the truth. 

I SUFFERED WHEN:

·         All of the above – and being silent as a child as far back as I can remember. I do not remember my childhood, but I do remember at age 3 making the decision that we would be safe as long as I tried to fix things.

·         Being silent about my first born until my early 40’s.

·         Not having a voice

·         Being afraid to talk or confront

·         Not being able to express what was best for me

·         Ignoring the Holy Spirit

I just want to add here, that typing this all out on this blog is very empowering, and cathartic. I am extremely humbled and grateful for where I have been and where I am going. “I Stand all Amazed at the Love Jesus Offers me, confused at the Grace that so fully He proffers me.”  and ...“Why me Lord what have I ever done to deserve even one of the pleasures I've known. Tell me Lord what did I ever do, That was worth loving you or the kindness you've shown. Lord help me Jesus I've wasted it so help me Jesus I know what I am…….But now that I know that I've needed you so Help me, Jesus, my soul's in your hand.”

Hugs and Blessings,

Kim Mayer