Learning to F.L.Y.
(First Love Myself)
Living by Proverbs 3:5-6
The following is from my Angela Shelton Sword of Trauma
Workbook, Week 6. March 26, 2015
Why is breathing
affected by trauma?
I have
witnessed more than one person learn to breathe after they started facing their
trauma. Once
a woman at a retreat I was attending was completely
crippled at the thought of introducing herself. When the facilitator asked her
how long it had been since she had taken a breath, she broke down in sobs and
said; “I haven’t breathed since I was six years old.”
I was
astounded that the woman could understand and articulate this. I then realized
breathing had everything to do with all of the trauma she had stuffed
down into her core. If she dared take a deep breath, it might come out. I felt for her, and yet grateful I could
breathe.
We spend much
of our lives wasting huge amounts of energy and resources in the active
avoidance of encountering our deepest selves.
It is no accident that Facebook, Internet, medication, TV, food and many
more numbing agents make up a booming industry.
However, the
price to pay for avoiding our inner fears is just too high. It costs us our
life force, creativity and literally takes our breath away. We deprive
ourselves of life nourishing oxygen to cut off the intensity of feeling.
Is it a fear
of overwhelming pain we might encounter under the pasted on smile and
"outgoing" personality? If I talk about it, I might start crying. If
I start crying I will never stop. Or a
fear of appearing vulnerable and weak? This fear of connecting with our deepest
feelings is deeply rooted in childhood trauma. If we look back, it’s likely
that each of us will recall at least one childhood episode where we made an
unconscious decision not to feel. And when we can’t feel, we can’t breathe. Being
wounded makes it hard to breathe deeply.
What am I afraid
to say out Loud?
·
What I do remember
·
Thing’s I’ve done
·
Things my family has done
·
Self-hatred
If I could talk to my body, I would say……
·
Why do you have to be fat?
·
This is unacceptable
·
You’re ugly – look at your fat face and double
chin
·
UGH – I hate how big my stomach is
·
So glad I can’t see by back side – I don’t even
try
·
I can’t figure out how my husband says I am
beautiful
·
I can’t even look at me
If I could talk to
my pain, I would say……
·
It’s time to let it go
·
Let’s heal everything
·
Where does all of this pain come from
·
Do I have to remember everything before it all
goes away?
·
Why do I have nightmares of being attacked and I
can’t scream for help – I have no breath
·
Why do I have even worse nightmares when I try
and recover childhood memories?
·
I think you have been a part of my life for so long
I don’t know and can’t imagine any other way.
·
It’s OK to feel you, it lets me know I have
feelings for myself
The day after
I did this workbook page, I think my husband could tell things were getting
tough and intense for me. I had worked
on this stuff before, but this time it was different. I was going deeper and I think I was being
more honest with myself. It was an intense process for me. He could feel it. He
sent me the following text while I was at work; “It is not lost on me how blessed I am to be loved by you.” WOW, words I needed to hear, but I felt
so undeserving of them. Here was my
reply; “I don’t know what to say to that. I have tears in my eyes just to think
about those words and where I am at with loving myself – and I think, how could
I not love myself when I can feel how much my Heavenly Father loves me by the
way He blesses me, most especially through you. Then I must be someone very
special.”
As my inner tension relaxes, a pathway opens for my
heart's energy to shine through and with it allows me to experience life at its
fullest. A big connection for
me-------as I learn to love myself, I can breathe deeper and easier – because all
of that stuff in my gut is going away – making room for me to breathe!
Hugs and Blessings,
Kim Mayer
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