September 4, 2021 - Salt Lake City, Utah - Life has really changed.
In January of 2001 I woke up and asked - who am I really? What is my mission in life? What am I made of - will I stand for what I believe? That was the beginning of my "mid-life unraveling." I was 43 years old- and I honestly did not know the answers to these questions. I knew who I was "expected" to be, I knew that others would most likely be shocked that I did not know the answers to these questions. I had a way of life I lived and believed in, I had a husband to adored me, cherished me, and protected my heart, sometimes from myself. I had 4 amazing humans living in my home, and one more in my heart. I did know my mission, I didn't want it, I kept saying there was someone smarter, more educated, more willing - I was not that girl. Well, in the past 20 years I have countless experiences to share. My heart is constantly reminding me I need to write it all down. I don't want to. I still don't believe I am a writer..... but I do know I have had so many life changing experiences, have had a remarkable journey to now know the answers to these questions...... heal my heart in so many different and so may miraculous ways - I want to share them. Maybe that is why my heart won't let me drop this..... I talk myself out of it all of the time...... I got brave enough to embark on this once again, right now, but honestly, who knows how soon I will be back on this page and write the list of experiences I have to share..... one by one.
The following is something I wrote in a writing class that I took this summer. I hope whoever reads it, enjoys it, feels it, and passes it along. I believe it is a story more of us share than any of us realize, (especially my age). It is a story of hope, healing and light at the end of the tunnel.
Adoption
On June 27, 1976 I became a “birth mom.”
Alone, scared, unloved and abandoned by everyone,
including myself. “Nothing from Nothing leaves Nothing.”
How did I not know?
Oh yea, I am nothing, that’s how.
Voices all around me, except my own. Their words of
understanding my situation scream in my head because I know they are wrong. I
can feel it with every part of my being…… they are wrong.
That doesn’t make sense. Of course they are right…… I’m
the one who’s wrong.
I’ve abandoned myself….. I am nothing….. I can’t have
these feelings…… I am bad…… What I
think, what I feel, what I believe is right, is wrong……. they are right……. I can’t possibly know what is right for me.
“No man will ever love you if you keep that baby,” my
parents said.
“The only way to be pure again is to repent and give up
your baby. A sacrifice for someone who is worthy to have a child,” my Bishop
said.
Why do we shame? I believed them over my own heart. Shame
kept me quiet, shame kept me bad, shame took my voice and I felt like nothing.
I told my husband my shame. We never spoke of it again
for 30 years. Shame keeps me nothing. “Nothing from nothing leaves nothing.” I
feel empty inside. I still was afraid of my voice because right now my voice
feels like an endless river of tears……
“Teach your children well…… their mother’s hell did
slowly go by”……
I told my children my shame. I didn’t want them to live
my hell. We didn’t speak of it again.
“She” – always on my mind. “She” it was all I had of her.
“She” is now 30.
I’ve looked – no success. Closed adoptions suck. I sign
her birth certificate with permission granted to give her information about me
– “the birth mom” – if she comes looking.
Another agency promising results. Pay them the money and they will find her.
90% success rate. I’m in.
I tell my children, the search is on, with a 90% success
rate, so let’s get ready.
“What if she doesn’t want to meet you mom?” my
daughters said.
My head says; that’s not possible. My heart says; that it
is probable. Ignore the heart as usual, and go with the head. I just want to
know she is alive and what her name is. I can be happy with that.
But will I? How could I possibly know how it will feel to
find her? I have spent 10, 950 days thinking about her. Wondering who “She” is.
The call came…….. THEY FOUND HER…… She wants nothing to do with me. Her name is Melissa….. I am
devasted. It’s NOT enough……. and I try to “hope” someday she will change her
mind.
10 YEARS LATER…… A message comes from a stranger, Wendy,
looking for her “biological family.” Confused, I tell her, I am a birth mom, but I have found my
daughter, her name is Melissa.
Wendy, messages me her birth date – how much she weighed,
10 lbs 4 oz……
Correct Information has my heart racing.
She is a DNA match and is 2nd cousins with my
cousin Mark. DNA?…….. Match?…….. How is this possible?
“I think we’re a match, would you be willing to take a
DNA test?”
Yes – right here – right now – how soon will we get the
results?
Carl arrives home – sees my face and asks – “What’s
wrong?” I show him the messages. I tell
him I took the DNA test – he says ----- that’s good. I feel relief. We are in
this together. Now we wait……..
Pillow talk……. he asks…… Who Lied? Confused I reply –
Lied – what are you talking about. I can feel his anger….
“Yes Kim, somebody lied to you. Either social services
lied to the given right agency or given right lied to you. Melissa is not your
daughter. Someone lied to you and I want to know who!”
He has a way of bringing me back to reality – to the
present. I was so excited about DNA, Wendy, our messages to each other, I put
everything else out of my mind. I was going with my heart this time……. and the future……
SCAMMED – an agency who advertised as being run by birth
moms and adoptees – SCAMMED me. Years I wasted not looking and believing the
lie I am nothing, I am bad…… These were Heartless, evil people.
The pain is eased quickly as Wendy emails me every day.
Pictures are sent…… she looks like me……. she looks like her sister, Ellie. She
gives me her phone number so we can text…… She trusts me with her phone number.
She sends me a text and asks if I would like to Face Time
with her on my Birthday……..
I reply – Yes – of course – YES, what a generous yet
terrifying birthday gift.
I fall apart…… crying….. gulping for air…… realizing how
often I hold my breath…… Calm comes when I realize on my 61st
birthday I will see her face for the first time……. ever……. crying and
breathing…….
In bed that night I realize I am not rocking myself to
sleep – as I always do……..
Pillow talk…… Carl says; “I don’t need a DNA test to know
she is your daughter. I have read all of her emails to you. She is smart, kind,
funny, generous and loving…… just like her mom.”
I cry…. realizing how much easier it is to breathe I
think; how in the world does this man see what he says is me…… I am so very
loved.
Then he says; “any part of you, is a part of me, so she
is my daughter too, and I’m so glad she found us.”
Through all of this pain – I have lived a beautiful life.
I thank Carl, Ellie, Rachel, Scott, Nelson and Wendy. You all make my life
complete.
How can I teach you what I know now, but I didn’t know
then.
We can do better……
I can do better……
I have a voice…… I have wisdom…… I trust myself now, and I am right. I was
always right. I could have listened to my heart and believed it. I believed
“them,” instead.
I now have a voice to share this story of abandoning my
voice and my heart, and abandoning her. I left myself and lost myself and that
cost me a part of my heart. I didn’t know. I had no one to teach me. No one
told me I was good, and I believed I was bad. No one to tell me how destructive
shame is – just the opposite – shame is good – it keeps you quiet……..
I now have a voice ---- a voice to teach women how to
silence the shame. I host a retreat for women who want to heal from their pain.
We share our stories. It helps heal our hearts.
Brene Brown said; (quote) “When we find the courage to
share our experiences and the compassion to hear others tell their stories, we
force shame out of hiding and end the silence.”
I have a voice to teach others adoption may or may not be
the right choice for them, but it IS their choice. And whatever that choice is
we can and will treat them with love, respect, honor and dignity. There is no
shame…..
I am someone very special. I am a beautiful, kind and
loving woman. I am a birth mom……. a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a
friend and a healer.
I have a voice and I will use it for good. I help women
heal and teach women to trust their hearts because hearts are good, no matter
what they have been through.
And…… I will teach them new songs to sing………
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