Early this week I was driving home from having lunch with a friend. It was an intentional lunch for us to talk about our lives. The good, the bad and the ugly. My friend is struggling and she is trying to do what is best for her and her children. Her life has been about this for as long as I have known her, and I easily remember the season in my life when I desired to do the same. Raise my kids to be healthy, happy, safe and secure. When you are in the midst of it, the choices we make are not always easily seen and yet each and every choice we make has a consequence. As I was driving I was pondering our conversation and wondered if I had told her some of my "gut feelings" long ago would it have made a difference. I had statistics to back up my gut feeling, but that was it. I had no experience with the friend who had hurt her, so I decided to stay quiet. I pondered now, if that was the right thing to do considering the sorrow and sadness she was now experiencing along with her children. At that moment I remembered some inspiration and council that I received a few years ago from the Holy Spirit. I was on my way to an event when two words entered my mind, "entitlement" and "superiority." I immediately thought, who? Who has a sense of entitlement and feels superior? I arrived at the event and I observed, trying to figure out who those words belonged to. Were they for me? Were they about me? I said a little prayer, did a little gut check and the answer was Yes, they are for me, No, they are not about me. Then I asked; well tell me who they are about, so I can be aware. Immediately I was answered, "I cannot tell you who, that is gossip and I do not gossip. It is your job to be aware; behavior, words, actions are how this truth will be revealed to you so pay attention." That is exactly what happened. It did not happen that day at that event. It took a little longer for me to experience words, behaviors and actions. When I did, truth was revealed. As I thought again about that experience, I understood why it would not have been OK for me to tell my friend my "gut" feelings; that would have been gossip, and the chances of her listening to it would not have been good, and it also might have caused some awkwardness in my relationship with her. What I did do at the time and will continue to do when I am in similar situations, is to ask her to pay attention. Pay close attention to everyone in your inner circle and if there is a behavior that does not makes sense it is a red flag for you to pay even closer attention. It is easy to "blow off" behavior inconsistencies when you love someone and that is why all of our relationships should be guided by the Holy Spirit and His love for all of us. We all need to pay attention so we see if there are any red flags.
This thought process let me to thinking about choice and consequences. Heavenly Father gave us our agency, the right to choose, the right to make our own decisions. The consequence for this gift for Heavenly Father is He would have to allow us to make good and bad choices and do nothing to intervene. He would have to allow us to suffer the consequences of "not paying attention." This also leads us to leaning on Him for understanding, direction, discernment and inspiration. If we lean on Him, our choices tend to be better than when we don't, therefore our consequences are also better. In my own life I can give you example after example of leaning on Him and asking Him for inspiration and paying attention and life is grander than I had imagined. To the polar opposite of not leaning on Him, figuring things out for myself, making a mistake, living through the consequences of that mistake, and then getting back on track. It is and always has been easier to gain the knowledge and inspiration we need to stay on the happiest and most rewarding of paths. Determination and dedication to Him will set us apart and satisfy our deepest desires to live for something beyond our-self. We are His, therefore, we have no need to allow disappointments or despair to direct our path any longer. We are human, He gave us choice, there are consequences to all of our choices and He allows us to live through those consequences and He provided us all a way back to Him.
As I thought about this beautiful plan I realized it is the same for me with my children. It is the same for my friend and her children. It is the same for all of us. We teach our children the best we can, they grow up and start to make their own choices. The hardest thing we have to do concerning this, is allowing them to live through their own consequences. The worst thing we could ever do to our children, (other than physical, sexual or emotional abuse), is suffer their consequences for them. Freedom to Choose is a gift from God, who are we to take it from Him and that is what we do when we enable our children to continue to make destructive choices. We have to let them choose for themselves and let the consequence follow We do not take away the good consequences, why do we try and take away the bad ones? That is when they learn the most - so in truth - we are hurting them. It is like looking at that 1 year old trying to walk. Each time they fall down, do we pick them up? No. We allow them to figure it out for themselves, the consequence of that fall. They will decide for themselves if they want to try it again or not. If we are always there to pick them up, how will they learn on their own. They most likely will sit there on the floor, until someone comes and rescues them. That will be the way they learned to walk. When I fall down, I will stay here till you pick me up so I can try again. I think most of us see the detrimental pattern here and do not want this pattern in our children lives.
So my point in all of this pondering is How beautifully and perfectly God showed us how to be parents. There IS a manual - there is a hard and fast and successful rule. Let them make their own age appropriate decisions and let them own the consequence of their decisions.
I am truly grateful for the friendships that I have that lead me to strengthen myself and my relationships.
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