Living by Proverbs 3:5-6
June 6, 2016
This past weekend I made some time for myself,
specifically so I could listen. I was feeling uncomfortable with the feelings I
needed to continue with this journey of blogging my Angela Shelton - Be Your
Own Hero Workbook. I was feeling uncomfortable because of some of the feedback
I was receiving from my blog. No doubt it was positive feedback, yet 3 or 4
different people spoke of the rawness, the transparency and vulnerability I was
allowing to be seen. It was brave. Thinking about those comments, my
insecurities started to wonder if the small amount of people reading my blog
considered that I was out of this mess – through the tunnel and on the other
side in the bright, big, beautiful light of self- love. My worry is because this
workbook goes even deeper and gets even uglier as I try and get all of the
poison out. My wise, sweet, kind, loving, gentle, all healing Heavenly Father
put these words in my mind as I listened to Him this weekend. “Do you remember how you finally started
this journey? Do you remember you were scared so you ran into some joy to
balance out the pain and fear. Do you
remember Joy from your friends who joined you……and joy from a painting class
that you say, literally fell on your lap. An art class that took you straight
into your heart, where you recognized the little girl that you thought was
lost. Do you remember how that balanced you out? What about the friends, the
remarkable women that joined you on this journey? Everything you wrote in your
workbook you read to them. They love you even more for sharing yourself with
them, just as you love them so much for sharing there workbook with you. So
please remember this my child, try and imagine how much I love you, honor you,
adore you and how proud I am of you for joining Me on this journey. You have
found much more of yourself on this journey. It wasn’t always easy and you did
it anyway. You will accomplish much, please keep following the Holy Spirit. It
has always been my spirit, my voice and my thoughts guiding you.” Tears streamed down my face as I got up
to write this down in my journal. What a special moment. I try to be very
careful and inspired about the revelations, miracles and inspiration God
blesses me with. I have shared before when it has been minimized by others and
these experiences are too sacred and holy in my life to be minimized. I share
this with you as part of this journey to get past my fears and insecurities. I
share this with you because I know with all of my heart that what God shares
with one, He shares with all, because He loves us all, and there is not one of
us that He loves more than the other. Much like I have learned to love the
women who shared this journey with me – I truly love them all of the same, some
of us spend more time with each other than the others……we all do this with God
too-------- yet He loves us all the same.
In a world where many of us forget there are miracles, I wanted to share
this miracle with you. Miracles happen, every minute of every day, we miss them
when we do not pay attention and Listen.
The following is my Angela Shelton workbook week 10,
April 23, 2015
Discussion: Step
One – Acknowledging the Sword
What if you were
pierced with a Sword?
I
would have to first recognize that I was pierced with a sword and then I would
have to decide to face it, or put it away in a box somewhere and hope that it
doesn’t seep out into my life.
What fear do you
have to Face? What secrets are you keeping? How have you personally been
pierced with the sword?
I have fear
that I might not ever learn my truth, the secrets buried in my childhood
memories that I cannot seem to unlock. I have recently remembered some
disturbing things. My experience in the 1st grade being asked to
leave the classroom, I have an ugly flashback in our van under a blanket with
someone, I don’t know who…….I remember an some things that happened when we
lived in Kansas, I don’t know how old I was. I remember being on my Uncles farm
witnessing and participating in some harsh treatment of some of the cats that
ran around the farm. (Animal cruelty). I
remember the feeling of self-hatred and self-loathing that came with those
flashbacks and memories. These are also some of the secrets that I have kept.
These memories are ugly and that is how I see myself, ugly. I was also pierced
with the sword by my violent and alcoholic father and with the constant moving
that we did. Even after the drinking ended my father found another way to
ignore me and both my mother and father used religion as a drug and a weapon. I
was shamed into giving my child up for adoption at age 19. As an adult more
wounds came from the betrayal of my own church family, with lies, gossip and
betrayal. The death of 3 of my closest friends and abandonment by my family. The betrayal of our best friends.
Healing
Worksheet :
I am fearful of:
·
Not being able to remember
·
Not knowing yet if it is imperative that I
remember
·
Not listening for the answers because I am
afraid either I will think I made it up, or others will think I make it up. (The
enemy is so crafty that way)
·
What I have listened to and heard, is that my
sexuality was woken up too early – the Holy Spirit showed me in my mind a
picture of me when I was maybe 10 months old, the spirit put the words in my
mind; you were a baby and so were they……
·
Believing I was very young and believing it was
my Grandfather, what if it wasn’t? Who then?
·
What if I am wrong – or am being deceived
·
All of the “What if’s” scare me
I feel like I can’t:
·
Focus and think hard enough
to be able to answer these questions and get to the end of this workbook
·
Always be honest with
myself
·
Ask the right questions
and/or figure out the answer
·
At times, trust my own
judgement
I have been stuck and stunted by:
·
The fear from not
knowing and thinking what is wrong with me
·
Fear of remembering too
much
·
Fear of realizing I was
so young I can’t possibly remember, ever, and that my body will always respond
with fear
·
Self-hatred, poor
self-image, what other people think of me and what other people say about me
·
Why so often people in
leadership do not like me and why it bothers me so much
·
I want to feel like I am
enough and what other people think and how they respond to me would validate me
– I instead feel ignored, over-looked, not smart enough, not good enough
Hugs and Blessings,
Kim Mayer
No comments:
Post a Comment