Learning to F.L.Y.
(First Love Myself)
Living by Proverbs 3:5-6
June 10, 2016
The following is my Angela Shelton workbook week 11,
April 30, 2015
When you see the
sword and realize you are wounded, you can also see how your behavior is
affecting yourself and the world around you.
Discussion:
How can someone’s
past pain affect their behavior in the present?
The unhealed
past usually always seeps into our present. It affects our relationships, many
turn to drugs and/or alcohol. Pornography and sex addictions can be a present
behavior because of unhealed trauma of our past. Being emotionally unavailable,
depression, bi-polar, personality disorder, PTSD, eating disorders and so much
more.
For me, I was
very promiscuous as a teenager and young adult.
That is when I consciously starting to hate myself. Sex equaled love to
me, so I took it – even though I hated it, and hated myself for letting it
happen. By the age of 19 I was pregnant, scared and very alone. My parents sent
me to a home to have the baby, give her up for adoption and then pretend that
it never happened. My first birth experience was traumatic for me. I was alone
in the labor room, had no idea what was going to happen to me. Labor did not
progress as fast as the Dr. wanted, I was given Pitocin, and an epidural. I had
a “high-forceps” delivery and it took them over an hour to stich me back up. I
wasn’t allowed to see or touch my baby, and I could hear the nurses talking
that I could not see the baby, because I was “giving her away.” I was screaming
on the inside. They moved me to a different floor to recover, so I wouldn’t be
near the babies. No one came to visit or ask how I was. A few days later my
parents came to pick me up and drive me home from St. Louis to Leavenworth
Kansas. I was in pain the entire way back to my parents’ home. I had to have a very short haircut after the
birth because I had been left alone in the labor room on my back, strapped to a
monitor for so many hours the hair on the back of my head was so matted it had
to be cut. So, now the hatred is really deep for myself, I was so bad, I
deserved to be treated bad.
I do not
remember a lot about my childhood. I do however remember making a decision, I
believe I was 3, that “if” I kept the house clean and picked up, maybe, just
maybe dad wouldn’t come home and be angry. I cleaned the house a lot, and I
remember trying to fix things for everyone, so no one would get hurt, or
screamed at. I remember as a child that I had to do everything I could to keep
my dad from getting angry. That might
have helped me as a child, but as an adult it set me up for co-dependency, perfectionism,
always trying to “fix” everyone, (except
myself – I didn’t deserve it). I took care of everyone else and abandoned
myself, much like my parents had abandoned me.
What if everything
you did affected everything else?
I have learned
my behavior does affect myself and everyone around me. When I am mad/angry I
take it out on the those around me – even at work. When I am sad, I sleep a
lot, I pity myself, I take it out on others and I eat a lot. I am usually
afraid to let others all the way in to my heart. I like and/or I try to make
people feel sorry for me. (aka: “Woe is
Me”). I have done this all of my life.
The pattern is hard to break.
Healing Worksheet:
My emotions affect
others when I:
Am frustrated,
angry, hurt feelings or sad. My behavior reflects my emotions in my attitude,
by the way I treat those who are closest to me. I shut down – I do not talk
and/or confront. I am so afraid of rage that I hold as much as I can in. I hope it will all go away if I ignore it. I
also eat for comfort.
My anger affects
others when I:
Withhold love,
affection, attention, don’t hold my tongue, want to get back at you/revenge and
when I say harsh things.
My fears affect others
when I:
Hide my
feelings, shut down and stop talking, lash out in anger and say things I really
don’t mean and then I regret. I walk away……
(God can't change what I don't acknowledge).
Much Love and Big Hugs,
Kim Mayer
No comments:
Post a Comment