FEAR..........

FEAR……………

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

June 30, 2016

The assignment for week 15 from my Angela Shelton workbook on June 4, 2015 is my story.  I am not ready to share this as of now. I have two reasons for skipping over this; 1. I am just not ready and 2, I didn’t finish my story when I did this assignment. I skipped over a very large traumatic event in my life because I was not ready to write. I realized I had a lot of healing to do in regards to this event. “Timing is Everything” and I know when the time is right for me to dive into this, I will do so and I will finish my story. So, with that said, here is Week 16 of my Angela Shelton Be Your Own Hero, healing workbook dated June 11, 2015. 

Discussion: The thought of facing trauma and going through the process of recovery brings up fear.

Why does it seem easier to hold on to pain?

·        Because I deserve it.

·        Because it is the way it is, it is hard to let go.

·        It will hurt even more to face it than it does to hold it in.

·        Why do I need to face it? Who is going to help, what purpose will it serve?

·        I may get so angry I might not be able to control myself.

·        I might cry and never stop.

·        I might not like myself

·        It might hurt other people if I talk about things

What would you have to let go of in order to move past pain and suffering? 

·        Fear of truth

·        Wanting a different story

·        I would have to let go of the fear of going through the recovery of memories.

·        The lie that I can’t do it

·        I will never have closure anyway, so why bother…..

·        The truth will never come out

·        I will always be talked about and thought as the bad guy – that I did something wrong.

·        I want everyone to know and believe the truth about the lies and gossip that was spread to destroy me.

·        Caring what people think, caring that they believe the lies because “leaders” would not tell lies.

·        I have to let go of self-loathing and self-hatred

·        The lie of needing to be important.

Healing Worksheet

The memory that haunts me the most is:

     We experienced a life changing event in our home that I cannot take the liberty to write details about in this blog. I believe that as I spent so many years running and hiding from my mission, my calling and destiny I ignored warnings and red flags and obvious signs that there were predators in our lives. It haunts me that there has been no closure to these events, that we don't talk about this big chunk of time in our lives and be honest with each other. It haunts me to know others are still being hurt from fear and denial.

I am not happy about:

     The fact that I ignored so many signs and warnings – just because they were our friends and went to church with us. Over 17 years there were countless signs, grooming techniques that I ignored, rules were ignored,  and the envelope was pushed to see how we would respond. We responded by ignoring and not believing what we were seeing.