Emotional Pain Has its Effects…….

Learning to F.L.Y.  (First Love Myself)

Living by Proverbs 3:5-6

June 18, 2016

The following is my Angela Shelton workbook week 13, May 14, 2015

Discussion:  Everyone has a story. How can my pain affect all areas of my life? 

     (Before I answer this I want to explain that before every workbook lesson you get a video from Angela discussing what your assignment is about. In the video for this workbook assignment she asks a question that is not on the workbook page and then discusses it. I started out this workbook page answering the question from the video. Then I go into answering the question above.  The question from the video is; What do I complain about most?   

     I would say I complain most about others not seeing the real me, or even caring to. Not being asked to be at Discovery, about not being good enough, not being listened to or that I matter.  I have no voice, no one knows I am smart. My brokenness must give out vibes that I am not good enough. I experience the judgement of others before they even know me, and then lies and gossip are spread and believed. Not too many are interested in asking me if what they heard about me is true. I see confusion on the faces of family and friends who have taken the time to get to know me and they realize the lies they have heard do not match my actions and behavior. My trauma is connected to this because I never felt good enough for my parents, therefore it is easy to not feel good enough for others. I also complain about my weight, my hair, not enough $, my job, not being seen or heard and when Carl blows me off). 

   (Now to answer the first question).   How can my pain affect all areas of my life.  Before I even recognized I was reacting from the effect of pain – I was  a girl who couldn’t say no. I wanted to, I just didn’t. I just really wanted to be loved and if that was the only way I could get it – that was all I was worth – then that was the way it was and I couldn’t change it. When I became a wife and mother and even as a daughter and friend, I was OK with appearance based and superficial relationships, that was all I knew. This kept me from real joy and happiness because I did not stay focused – I allowed predator’s into our lives. I ran from everything that could have led me to healing and towards most things fake and superficial.  The past affected my life by not being able to stand up for myself. To believing I was not smart and not believe the Holy Spirit’s intercession in my life. Giving my daughter up for adoption, instead of listening to what my Father In Heaven was trying to inspire me to do. I believed the lie that no one would ever want me with a child – a child would prove to every man that I was used and damaged. The Holy Sprint told me that a man would love me so much it wouldn’t matter to him. I didn’t let my kids in as close as I wanted them and it has taken me a long time for me to let Carl in completely. 

What is your trauma? 

     My trauma comes from being raised in a home with a violent alcoholic father and a complacent mother. As a child I was not protected and very often witnessed violence. Trauma came to me from moving every two years. I witnessed my mother show compassion to many during my life, but for some reason when it came to me she was harsh, judgmental, vengeful.  I so often felt like the child they just couldn’t love and that was confirmed when they could not attend my wedding. They just couldn’t get away and had too many kids at home. I knew that really hurt me, but it caused an enormous amount of pain when many years later I witnessed my dad walk my youngest sister down the aisle of her 2^nd marriage. (Basically a stranger walked me down the aisle) and at Krista’s wedding it upset me so, I had to leave for a bit.

  

What is your story?

     In a nutshell, my story is because of unhealed trauma, I had a hard time recognizing how I allowed people to treat me and how I kept nearly everyone in my life at arm’s length. It was a coping technique from childhood that did not serve me well as an adult. Violence and abuse took away my instincts and ability to discern danger. I was buried in behaviors and didn’t know who I really was. What I was made of, or what I would stand for. Unhealed trauma kept the generational curses passed down to me from my parents will be passed down to my children.  (Our kids absolutely carry our pain - starting at a very early age). At age 42 I wanted to know who I was, how God saw me – who God created me to be. I knew my mission and had never in all honesty lived it. I was too scared. So I asked God to reveal to me who I am, who I have always been and how He sees me. To this day – 16 years later from falling on my face and begging Him to show me – He has, and He has never stopped. The only time He has stopped is when I have run from Him. He has always waited patiently for me to come back and I am grateful I always do and….. I run less frequently.

Hugs and Blessings!

Kim Mayer